Are you still finding you have a lot of time to waste after uploading your latest video rant about people at the mall/restaurant/bus stop/the WORLD, tweeting your pithy observations on the latest trend of people tweeting their pithy observations on the latest trends, and writing your newest blog entry on the joys of being a multiple cat owner? And then did you enter your beautifully Photoshopped mug in the model contest I mentioned in my last article? And you still have time on your hands? First of all, you still haven’t exercised all your time-wasting options because you clearly haven’t wasted any time following me on Twitter. I know this because my Twitter follower count dropped from a whopping 11 followers to a measly 10 followers in the last day. You should all be ashamed of yourselves.
Secondly, there are still other time-wasting opportunities you may not have thought of! There’s absolutely no reason for you to make productive use of your extra time by studying a little harder for your next exam or running down to the local soup kitchen to help feed the homeless. There’s absolutely no excuse for that. No, I’m going to help you exhaust all your time-wasting options the right way – ways that do not make any sort of real difference to anyone or anything, except to baby jebus, who is crying because you are so full of deplorable sin.
So let’s go – here are several apps that will have your eyes glazed over in no time. I’ve made sure they’re all free since we all know you aren’t holding down any type of job that pays you enough to have money left over after you spent all of it on Carl’s Jr. and Pokemon cards last Friday night.
Paper Toss 2.0
Spend hours tossing virtual paper balls into virtual waste baskets. It’s actually way more complicated than I’m making it seem. After all, there’s a fan blowing. Consider your whole day tossed away.
Do you already spend a whole lot of time probing and poking at the pus-filled pustules on your face? Can’t get enough? Try the “Pimple Pop” app, which gives you the gaming pleasure of trying to rid an oily face full of various blackheads, whiteheads, pimples and pimple scabs. Just make sure you wipe your screen afterward.
You’re a pink-haired girl named Kara sprinting on rooftops and doing various parkour moves because you’re chasing zombie thieves that broke into your apartment. This sounds exactly like the recurring dream I have every single night. Only difference is that my name is “Vanessa.” I’m really pretty.
For all you YouTube crooners out there who can’t hold a note, use this app to make your voice bearable through autotune. Simply speak into your phone, press to stop and then you’ll have sweet music to share with all of those people who normally avoid you when you tell them you want to share your music with them. Also try “Talkapella” for something similar.
Play God with just your finger. Earn worshippers, decorate your planet, erect buildings, gain powers and earn money. My favorite thing to do? Tossing around the followers that love and fear me. Let’s hope I’m never actually given this power in real life.
This is the app of choice for when I want that mouth teetering open, drooling, effect. Turn up the music on this game, and watch as our intrepid hero, Nyan Cat, flies through space collecting milk and cake. Literally, the concept is a pop tart kitty flying through space endlessly. And I can’t get enough. At this point in my life, I could probably spend time sitting and watching a leaf turn brown. Also try the new game “Nyan Cat: Jump” if you prefer your adventures vertical as opposed to horizontal.
This is an app you probably already have, but it needs mentioning anyway because of its time-wasting opulence. The magic of “Words with Friends” is not just the time you waste actually strategizing your next word move, it’s also the time you waste sitting and waiting for your tardy playmates to make theirs. Find yourself checking and rechecking WWF hourly for new moves that never happen, even though the program is supposed to notify you when your partner makes a move. And then when a move is actually made, you dive back into the game ready to drop some incredibly complex word with five vowels and an “x” only to find that they blocked a crucial route with some insanely dumb “word” like “gids” or “bap.” Those are real words I actually encountered in a WWF game. Thanks, David. They should rename the game “Waiting For Words with Idiots.”
Know of any other good time-wasting apps? Fill us in.