5 Ways The Internet Is Ruining My Day

The mall that I once worked in had slick granite floors that for some reason turned into a freshly Zambonied (Zamboned?) ice rink whenever it would rain. Everyday, disgruntled holiday shoppers would avoid the bright yellow signs that warned them of their impending doom and waltz right into the action. For a mental image of what happened next, simply imagine the beach-storming scene from Saving Private Ryan, only with everyone wearing ice skates.  Time and time again, I would see falls so incredible, that my tombstone will read: “Here Lies Matthew Manarino who once saw a woman slip and fall so hard her shoes flew off.”

Now that I have left my various retail jobs to write about cats on the Internet, I occasionally long for days when a heavy rain could make for a great day. Thankfully, a YouTube search of “people slipping,” yields enough entertainment to help remind me of simpler times. The Internet is full of wonders that can make the dourest of cynics (read Alan Van) crack a smile. But for every trampoline fail, there is a rising Web-related trend that both baffles and infuriates me.

Flash Mobs Are Taken Seriously

I like to imagine they are all shouting "We're The Worst!"

Here is an awesome idea: Let’s take the totally radical elements of choreographed dancing, encourage audience participation and do it all in the name of corporate advertising. When I go to hell and the devil asks me “Pretty awful right?” I will tell him, “I once saw 20 kids dancing to a Tyga song while promoting Old Navy board shorts. “ He will then give me a hug and hand me the keys to the underworld.

The Worst People Become Famous

NSFW revenge photo site Is Anyone Up claims to have at least 300,000 unique visitors daily. The site’s creator, Hunter Moore has been featured in the Village Voice, The Daily Beast and The Anderson Cooper show. Let me get one thing straight, this guy is the worst. Don’t believe me? Check out this section from his interview in The Village Voice.

“I do not want anybody to ever be hurt by my site-physically,” he says. “I don’t give a f*ck about emotionally. Deal with it. Obviously, I’d get a ton of heat for it. But-I’m gonna sound like the most evil motherf*cker-let’s be real for a second: If somebody killed themselves over that? Do you know how much money I’d make? At the end of the day, I do not want anybody to hurt themselves. But if they do? Thank you for the money.”

Obviously this is one sick puppy, yet he keeps getting coverage on major media sites, and Is Anyone Up only continues to gain more and more visitors.

Young People Are Always Compared To Mark Zuckerberg

A photo of C.E.O Benny Luo in college

Every time I tell friends or family that I write for a website their next immediate questions is, “Oh, so you’re the next Mark Zuckerberg?” Wait; hold on, the next Mark Zuckerberg? What does that even mean? I guess because I know how to type words and use the Internet, I must be a brilliant C.E.O. I understand that not everyone comprehends how the digital age works, but please understand that Mark Zuckerberg invented Facebook not the Internet.

It Is Literally Impossible To Ignore Someone

Politely ignoring someone used to be a true art form. If someone sent you a letter, you could easily say, “Must have gotten lost in the mail.” Now with Facebook, Twitter, Google+, LinkedIn and all the other social media sites out there, if someone wants to get a hold of you, they will.

Every Terrible Idea Is Indulged

WordPress and Tumblr have made it so easy to start a website that anyone with enough motor skills to hold a pencil can start one. All a YouTube user needs to ruin my day is a webcam and a truly awful parody idea and presto, instant garbage. The days of thinking things through are long gone, and in their place resides 200 websites dedicated to The Vampire Dairies.

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  • http://www.newrockstars.wpengine.com Matthew Manarino

    Please tell me you read the comment on your PETA article.

  • http://twitter.com/AlanMichaelVan Alan Van

    I’m just glad you said “dourest” and not “dowdiest.” And my name is copyrighted, so you owe me a lot of money for using it so often in your articles.