According to projections of current Google data, “Tumblr” will eclipse “blog” as the more searched for term by the end of the year. Tumblr’s rapid rise as the preferred blogging platform on the Internet has hammered another nail in civilization’s coffin. Dying out are the literate, cerebral blog-types of yore, and in are the often insipid, shallow, and scattershot microblogs of today. Of course, the truth is that I already openly declared the death of ‘reality’ and intellectualism for the umpteenth time when blogs and websites were overtaking print in several of my postmodern philosophical treatises, but you don’t care about that. Let’s get to the f*ckin’ list. Which of these Tumblr-ers are you? Whee.
As a microblogging platform, Tumblr lends itself most adeptly to picture posting, but the funnier users apparently have to micro their focus too, because if they force people to ponder more than one theme at a time on their Tumblrs, visitors’ brains will explode like eggs in a microwave. Because of the pure ease and quickness of reblogging, Tumblr is also many a meme’s baby mama, and you’ll find a lot of hilarious Tumblr’s that feature a very narrow and specific category of funny pictures. And since I know you want your lists like a hooker wants her crack, keep your eyes peeled for my “Funniest Tumblr’s You Should Follow Part II” coming soon to an NMR near you.
Artsy Fartsy Assh*les
These are the Tumblr users for which art and aesthetics are their lifeblood. Picture after picture of pretentious contemporary art—Tumblr users are not aware of art pre-Warhol—that will either make you go, “You can make a statue of a moose from toenails and gum?” or “That’s art? I could do that!” Unfortunately, there is little in between. For brevity’s sake, this category includes fashion Tumblrs, which feature pictures of people not smiling in outfits you would be too self conscious to wear at a circus on Halloween, photography Tumblrs, which feature photos that’ve been processed through Instagram filters or look like they were taken with cameras pulled from a dumpster, and “art phrase” Tumblrs, which feature text, or gifs and pictures with texts laid across them that are supposed to express the inner core of your universe, except that they’re really just the shallow, inane ramblings of an emotionally sensitive teen with a pirated copy of Photoshop.
Narcissistic Tumblr users post lots of pictures of themselves, and they’re so shameless that they’ll even post self-mirror pics, because they just look that good. Because Tumblr narcissists are so out of touch with reality, they will also post pictures of supermodels among their own pictures because they believe that standing next to ugly people makes them hotter. Also expect blog posts that decry their First-World problems and a lot of “Anonymous asked” questions that allow the Tumblr narcissist to incoherently ramble on about themselves.
Celebrity stalkers devote entire Tumblrs to famous people. Their blogs are internet shrines where they put forth pictures and gifs of the celebrity as sacred offerings to their god. Every inch of their Tumblr is devoted to celebrating their imaginary relationship with a Twilight or Glee star, or Justin Bieber. These are the Tumblr users who experience their crushes as religious love. Stay away from these users, or else their odor of desperation, fanaticism, and future unemployment will rub off on you.
Genitalia. A lot of penii and breastes. All around nakedness. Tumblr perverts use the microblogging platform to spread smut in the form of pictures, gifs, and embedded clips. Young people on Tumblr just can’t seem to get enough porn, and Tumblr isn’t about to ask them to stem their desires. Tumblr porn purveyors occupy the secret, seedy underworld of the site that is never acknowledged but always on the tip of being omnipresent.
Renote fiends’ Tumblrs are dumping grounds for all the random garbage they’ve noted across Tumblr. Expect a hodgepodge of all of the content noted above: art, porn, celebrities, themselves, and meme pictures. Usually, the only people who visit renote fiends’ Tumblrs are their actual friends in real life.
Notice any other prevalent types of Tumblrs? Let me know.