Youtube, acting as a mirror this week, exposed the truth that when life gets you down and you feel like you have nowhere else to turn, sometimes…you just have to dance…in front of a camera. Then you have to upload it to the Internet for the world to see. Numerous scientific studies have shown that pointless rhythmic gyrations to terrible music can reduce the risk of cardiovascular disease, help control weight and make you look like a complete jackass. Flopping around like a dying fish is also known to be an integral function of human mating habits and is important in the initial stages of courtship (along with 5 vodka tonics and a couple Rohypnol tablets). Dancing also provides various subcultures with ridiculous clothing and absurd hairstyles–an outlet of expression that fashion can’t express on it’s own. But you know what? f*ck science. Dancing isn’t about any of that. It’s about, like… feelings and stuff. Let’s take a look at some of the best dancers Youtube has to offer. Also, in honor of the AK-47 beginning production in Russia 65 years ago today, I have included a bunch of Russian soldiers dancing. Because why the f*ck not?
If Buffalo Bill from the timeless serial killer flick “Silence of the Lambs” were a real person, this is what he would be doing in the off-hours when he isn’t skinning girls to make human overcoats. Damn it, now I really want some pizza.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Germany, the future is happening RIGHT NOW. It is riddled with gas masks, synthetic dreadlocks, fishnets and neon colors that look radical under a blacklight. After losing to the allied nations in WW2, Germany refocused their nationalism and military might into the science of looking and dancing like a living H.R. Giger statue. Cybergoth dance moves consist of precise controlled movements with well-timed kicks and knee bends reminiscent of Hitler’s fabled army of automatons with their dials set to “DANCE LIKE A f*ckING WEIRDO.”
If you know anything about Vikings, you know that when they’re not pillaging villages, raping women, or drinking copious amounts of beer, they are most likely dancing to techno and being the boss of everything and everyone around them.
ALL HAIL TECHNOVIKING
Movin’ like Bernie
In case you might have thought that the ability to dance was elusive to you and that all hope was lost, have no fear. As “Movin’ Like Bernie” clearly illustrates, pretending to be a dead millionaire brought back to life with black magic voodoo to find buried treasure in the Caribbean makes you the hottest person on the dance floor. Furthermore, to aid in the authenticity of this particular dance move, I suggest you go and kill yourself.
This Random Fat Person
SEXY IS BACK! But it’s not Justin Timberlake who is holding the reins of the glorious galloping stallion that is dance; it’s this obese man in a one-piece leotard dancing to Beyoncé’s “Single Ladies.” Mesmerized by the undulating sacks of adipose tissue, I can see through what is obviously a glorious display of completely not giving a f*ck and into a vision of my very own future. I need to lay off the Mongolian BBQ and get my a55 out to the gym, pronto.