I am a huge fan of trashy women. Bar skanks, bottle rats and straight up hoochies are the anchor that gives my spirit license to soar. But all of those girls are a wash when compared to this clown-faced babydoll that just robbed the metaphorical and literal bank of my heart. Yes, folks, it is safe to say I am in love (don’t tell my current wife).
This weed-loving trixie was just arrested after robbing a bank and then posting a (swoon) brag video on YouTube. She’s dangerous, dirty and takes a godawful mug shot — which just so happen to be the three attributes I look for in a long-term, mature and committed relationship. Also, she’s stupid, so that means our kids will likely be robbing your kids. I just hope she gets out of prison while the baby factory is still producing fertile merchandise.
Hannah Sabata, a 19-year-old Nebraska ho-bag (that’s a valid journalism term, right?) robbed a bank on November 28 and then went home to name-check her crimes with the online world. Making it incredibly easy for prosecutors to do their job, she even wears the same clothing from the robbery in the video and fans the wads of cash out for a jury of her peers to see. It’s $6,256, in case you can’t do that “Dustin Hoffman fast-counting thing” from “Rain Man.”
In her video, Sabata, who never speaks, but instead provides tedious subtitles and pantomime worthy of Marcel Marceau (bet you didn’t think he’d come up in this article), cites the government taking away her baby as a reason for her crime spree. Apparently, they didn’t think she’d be a “good mother.” Baby, I failed “us” by not being there to play father! In a sense, I only blame myself for this robbery.
Overall, I give Sabata high marks for this video. While production values are low and the run-time is unnecessarily long, there is a certain je ne sais quoi to the whole sordid affair. Maybe its because she’s rocking to Green Day throughout and I’ve been vibing on them lately, but damn am I feeling this. So lets take that shiny Pontiac Grand Am you also cop to stealing in the vid, and blaze a trail of evil through the Heartland, “Natural Born Killer”-style. You gotta drive though because I like to do Sudoku on road trips.