5 Possible Announcements From Facebook’s ‘Mysterious’ Meeting

So Facebook has announced that they will be having a “big reveal” meeting next week, and already the industry wonks have their tongues wagging as to what this mysterious announcement could be. Is it a smartphone? Is it a foray into the search engine or online music businesses? Is it an expansion of their new gift service? Or how about something to do with Instagram? So diverse is the list of things that Facebook could announce, that NMR was almost hesitant to toss our hat into the speculation game. But then, what fun is a big wrapped box if you don’t get to guess what’s inside?So without further adieu, we present our own list of the top five possibilities for ol’ Zuckerberg to shock and awe the world with:

5. Facebook-brand EVERYTHING!

Remember how Donald Trump became culturally relevant again when “The Apprentice” came on the air, and suddenly he had his own brand of bottled water? Well, I am predicting that Facebook will take this to the extreme. We will see Facebook-brand clothing, Facebook-brand dishwashers, mystery novels penned by “Dave Facebook,” and Facebook-brand grocery stores selling Farmer Facebook’s Homestyle Corn Chutney. Facebook is going to whack out on vertical and horizontal integration to the point where you will sleep on Facebook sheets next to your Facebook-selected spouse. And if you hear a bump in the night? Why that’s just a Facebook-brand burglar.

4. Facebook is getting into the rectum business!

They’ve already got all your other personal information, so now Facebook will be able to live-stream your bowel movements. Think of how classy you will seem to people you kind of remember from high school, when real time updates are posted that detail not only the consistency of your stool, but the cleanliness of your wipe job. It will also be able to detail the food you ate and give Yelp-style reviews of how much your digestive process enjoyed it. Hell, users can turn that into the same competition they turn every other aspect of Facebook into. The potential for this announcement isn’t so far off even — their latest page design looks like shit anyway.

3. Facebook is adding a “Fuck that noise” button

Didn’t like that Suzy got a new cat? Fuck that noise. Don’t like that Uncle Don has cancer? Fuck that noise. Suzy’s cat has cancer? Fuck that noise. Blasting way past something as simple and boring as a “dislike” option, the “Fuck that noise” button lets you tell friends and family alike what you really think of their status updates. No longer do you have to be a silent observer on the sidelines, watching as everyone “likes” some stupid bullshit, but not enough to leave an actual comment. Randy Meyerhoffer in Accounting is going to the dentist? Fuck that noise.

2. “Facebook Elite”

Since everyone else (cough, Reddit) is getting into the subscription for “enhanced content” business, you better believe the internet’s version of Johnny-come-lately is headed there as well. Facebook Elite will be Facebook’s VIP section, complete with funnier status updates, a better class of friends, and a “clothing optional’ sundeck with bottle service. I don’t know how they’ll achieve that last part, but it’ll be there, and it will be cool. Unfortunately for me, I won’t get past the digital doorman.Likelihood: 5 thumbs up

1. “I did steal Facebook.”

I’ll be honest: I’m rooting pretty hard for this one. As one who covers the social media circus, I can think of nothing that would give me more tread and mileage than Zuckerberg admitting that the Winklevoss twins were correct. Maybe, I suppose, if Zuckerberg admitted that he had the murdered corpse of PSY in the trunk of his car. But, strictly speaking from a new media reporter sense, that would be waaay too beautiful to dream (of course, as a human being, I would naturally be distraught at a life gone too soon). And so, I must temper my hopes and go with this other option. But probably the odds here are not so great either.Likelihood: Not happening.You think I’m joking, but wait ‘til all of these happen. Except that last one, of course. Zuck is taking that one to his grave.

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