18-year-old Jacob Cox-Brown (ooh, he has a hyphenated last name — either he’s royalty or he has a fucked-up home life) was arrested the other day after two of his so-called Facebook “friends” reported him to police over a post he made boasting of a drunken hit & run. The post, which was made on New Year’s Eve read: “Drivin drunk … classsic but to whoever’s vehicle i hit i am sorry. :P” (Aww, jesus … with the emoticons and everything? How embarrassing. You’re a grown-ass man, Jacob. Act like it. Lulz.)
The Portland, Oregon PD (this all takes place in Portland, btw … don’t think the Portland police just showed up in, like, Michigan) responded to the reports and found pieces of Jacob’s car in the street beside his neighbor’s own damaged vehicle (neighbor was a fine-ass white girl too, mmhmm). While Jacob initially denied it (smooth move, Ex Lax … no way your credibility can be called into question now), eventually he admitted that he’d hit the car and fled — but not while drunk. He claimed that was just Facebook posturing and that a patch of ice was actually to blame. Unfortunately, the police department was not able to arrest him on charges of drinking and driving because they were not able to talk to him until hours later (and he’d probably been sucking on pennies to beat the breathalyzer, the sly bastard). According to Deputy Chief Brad Johnston, Jacob’s Facebook post was not sufficient evidence to charge the boy with a DUI. “We can’t just convict somebody based on the fact that they said they were drunk,” he said. Still, they were able to effectively charge Jacob with failure to perform the duties of a driver — a misdemeanor. But that’s just a slap on the wrist considering what the fashion police should do to him (watch the video).
This isn’t the first time social media has been instrumental in the arrest of a perpetrator — last November, a girl bank robber was apprehended for posting a brag video on YouTube. Not bad, social media, not bad. Keep this up and you might make detective.