If you were Justin Bieber, and you were hooked on the chronic, what would it take to free you from that dragon? How about tweens worldwide cutting themselves? Would that do it?“#Cut For Beiber” launched this morning on Twitter as a supposed cry for help from Bieber fans who want Justin to kick his alleged dope habit. It was such a successful push, the event was trending worldwide in a matter of hours. The only “problem” is that it isn’t little activist beliebers “acting out their rage,” but rather the trolls of 4chan up to some hilariously devious new tricks.You see, 4chan, who has “sponsored” the “event” doesn’t really give a damn about curbing drug use — they just want a bunch of mutilated beliebers. And if the pictures popping up on the internet are any indication, it seems they are getting exactly that. Except not.

In classic troll fashion, the few have enraged the many. Scroll through the endless Twitter log of the #cutforbieber trend and you will see two types of posts — the outraged and the overjoyed. The overjoyed get it — whether they know the campaign is actually a joke or not. They are the ones who substitute ketchup for blood or use their phone’s cut/paste function on the phrase “for bieber” (am I doing this right?). It’s funny to them because, well, it is funny. And sad. But mainly funny. These are the sorts of people that grow up to be well-liked and fun.

The outraged are the ones who are feel compelled to scream at people for either doing this, or joking about it. They don’t have the impulse controls or the filter to step back and think — is this for real? Rather, they just take everything on the internet at face value and post alarmist messages. These are the sort of people who grow up to be staunch assholes. If you post negative comments below, before you do, take a moment to sit back and think about your life and whether there is a noxious odor surrounding it. You might be an asshole too.

So far there have only been a few actual “cutting” photos, and a couple of them have already been exposed as fraud. See, many alarmist people want to believe that there is a cadre of youth running around attempting to intentionally damage themselves. They did it when I was younger too — worrying about kids chugging cough syrup, huffing fermented feces and playing the “rainbow game.” Actually, I did do that cough syrup one, so they might be right about that …

Once again I find myself in the annoying position of trying to play crossing guard to the helicopter-parents-in-training. The kids are alright, cutting is a serious issue, but much of it stems from your communication with your kids. How do I know? I used to be a kid! I remember that shit well! Of course I got lucky and had a child psychologist for a parent so I learned early on about the pitfalls of being a goddamned sheep — both on the side of falling into social trends like cutting and also being too reactionary when I read something suspicious.

Come on people, the sign is pretty clear by now: DO NOT FEED THE TROLLS.