Sexuality on YouTube is a fascinating dichotomy: On the one hand, there is no nudity, and I know this. It is at best a tease and at worst a bullshit thumbnail used to lure me in to watch some asshole that isn’t a nearly-naked girl. On the other hand, I click anyway.

But knowing that there is no nudity on YouTube has me wondering how come implied video sex is such a big commodity? If I want porn, I can get porn (that’s right, ladies, I’m what you call “sans parents”), and yet, clearly when I (and every other red-blooded male) jump in on Melanie Iglesias’ channel I am filling a prurient need. But just what the hell is that need, and why am I a slave to it?

Being the analytical sort (and just desperate to write anything pertaining to boobs that I can) I have come up with the 5 REASONS SEX SELLS ON YOUTUBE! (for impact, imagine God yelling that title at you).

5. The “Denial” Rationale

Probably the most basic reason behind the cipher that is why people click on “sexy YouTube videos” is because we all experience the same self-denial that “This might be it! This might be the one where she says ‘fuck it’ and shows off the goods?!” Reply girls bank on you thinking this way. They exist solely because they feed on your views, and as long as they get you to click on their link via misleading thumbnails, they have you. Hate the game, not the player.

Of course, video anomalies exist — like that girl who posted a video of her fucking her dog to Facebook (I am going to get months of articles off that one incident). And now, because one thing happened one time, we are all forever doomed to endlessly troll bullshit “sexy” videos with the false hope that we might get to see something equally as faptastic as a girl rutting with a canine. We are all the “Flying Dutchman” of YouTube.