[UPDATED] Hitchhiker Downs Lunatic With A Hatchet To Save Mankind MUST. WATCH. VIDEO

Behold, the first great viral video of 2013!

More badass than North Korea destroying New York, this is the video that will generate any and all memes for the foreseeable future. This video is so “chock full of crazy” that TIME magazine actually was able to give it the headline “Hatchet-Wielding Hitchhiker Defeats Racist Jesus.” Damn, I wish I had thought of that.

The sort-of story is this: Some monkey-ass hippie just became the world’s biggest hero — not only by stopping a lunatic from killing a bunch of people, but also by then giving the tastiest news interview about it afterwards. I shit you not, this is a news interview that would make Antoine Dodson seem sane by comparison.

Apparently, the lunatic picked up mellow surfer/traveller by the name of Kai somewhere near Fresno, California. After admitting that he had committed statutory rape, the lunatic then broke down claiming to be an “unstoppable Jesus” and drove his truck into a pedestrian. Kai, sensing more lives in danger, then took the lunatic out with a hatchet, “cleaving his head open.”

It is a difficult story to relay because Kai is easily the most foul-mouthed free spirit who ever cleaved a man’s head open in the name of saving lives, and his five minute rant to the news reporter goes into some pretty heavy stuff. Suffice to say: Watch this goddamn video as if your life depended on it.

And Kai, if you can read, bro, I’ve got a board and a wetsuit you can use. We can go to Mavericks any time you want. Except on Thursday… I’ve got a thing.

For another good viral video contender, check out this footage of Furbies and their relationship with Satan.

 

 

[Update 02/11/2013 3:50 PM PT] 

So KMPH, the Fresno-area news station that first shattered the internet by reporting on the exploits of Kai “the hatchet-wielding super hippie” has returned to the golden tit once more in a supreme effort to milk some more hilarity.

Kai, whose actual name is Caleb Lawrence, was born in Western Canada (damn, “America’s hat” scores another badass), but counts Sophia, West Virginia as his hometown. The 24-year-old has a pretty abusive past apparently (the news claims they couldn’t put some of his darker allegations on air, but molestation is mentioned) and though he is an admitted free-spirit, he does have a high school diploma and speak three languages. Well, he’s got me beat.

Like the dirtiest Ken doll who ever made a bong out of a Sprite can, your internet Kai fix now comes in a couple different styles. Feel free to choose from original hatchet-wielding Kai with lunatic-chopping action, or, now, musical Kai with furious guitar strumming and embarrassing original song performance skills:

 

 

And for the more pensive kids, be sure to check out new soul-baring Kai with meditation and French-speaking skills:

 

 

While I am admittedly, frequently, the first to get leary about deifying internet folk like we tend to do, I am still a pretty huge fan of this guy’s attitude. He reminds me of the burnouts that populate the fringes of my hometown up in Humboldt County, and though a mess in terms of traditional society, they are typically still good, genuine people.

“I’m the dad I always wanted,” Kai admits during his interview. “I go camping all the time, I’m good to people …” We could do far worse as far as role models go in this day and age.