What’s the worst thing you would do to win friends on Facebook?

Like an online gimmick for the nastiest Klondike Bar commercial ever, gross-out stunts are sadly the state of fame on Facebook these days. And with the number of friends the freaks are collecting, the movement is beginning to pick up steam. Guess it’s time to rip the crotch out of my clown suit.

Recently, Giovanna Plowman, a New York-based 15-year-old, sent users of the social media behemoth into an “Is it real?” tizzy after she posted a video of herself removing a tampon and sucking on it to her Facebook page. She sucks it clean too (Jeff makes disgusting sound effects). The video, which is around 5 minutes long, is hard to watch (particularly because she smells the bloody tampon and looks repulsed — not a great endorsement for her vagina), and though the physical removing of the tampon is done off-camera, having spent some time in the Red Sea, I can assure you, the footage is real.

 

More shocking is how quickly the internet has responded — Giovanna amassed over 250K followers before Facebook removed her page. Now there are at least a dozen fan pages that have sprung up devoted to her tampon-eating ways, with over half a million people on the site “talking about this.” As the sideshow act puts it on her Twitter account: “Life is so unpredictable; one day you’re just ordinary and then you suddenly become an overnight success don’t give up guys.” How inspiring, right? Unfortunately, Plowman plays a copyrighted Azealia Banks song during her video, so the likelihood is that she will not be able to profit from its numerous views. Daaaaamn, girl.Perhaps more repugnant is the copycat video that comes from Patricia Fondez who posted her own tampon-sucking video to her Tumblraccount along with the caption, “I’m sticking up for Giovanna, leave her alone.” Unlike Plowman’s video, Fondez leaves nothing to the imagination that the tampon indeed came straight out of her vagina. Worth a watch if you’re hella kinky.Or how about Dino Bruscia, also a New York teen (c’mon New York, you’re better than that), who was initially pissed that Plowman’s tampon video upstaged a video he released right around the same time showing him mixing his own shit into a bowl of ice cream and eating it. For his efforts, he only managed to achieve 25 thousand extra followers. According to gossip rag Mstarz.com, Bruscia posted the following to his Facebook page (also now deleted): “Still trying to overcome the fact a bi##h who sends all her nude parts eats a tampon with blood out famed me in 1 day.”Fear not, fecalpheliacs, this fairy tale has a happy ending: Dino “Poop Boy” Bruscia and Giovanna “Tampon Sucker” Plowman are now listed as “internet married” on their replacement Facebook pages. Yes, the disgusting duo has teamed up like something out of a John Waters film to combat haters and a new contestant for nastiest person online: Alyssa Rosales.

Rosales (apparently not her real name) posted a 50 second clip of herself getting railed by her pet (I don’t know, what kind of dog is that? A boxer?) boxer with a caption claiming that she’d “lost a bet” and that she “always honors her bets.” Hopefully nobody bets her that she won’t kill the president, because this chick is cra-zy. Rosales, who clearly seems to be enjoying the act, begs the dog to “stay” as it takes her appropriately “doggystyle.” She then felates it quickly as it attempts to escape to go make a sandwich. No, NMR will not post a link to this video because 1. Beastiality is illegal to film or distribute in the U.S. (it will be interesting to see if Rosales comes up on charges) and 2. Because the site on which I found the video has overloaded its bandwidth for the month and been shut down (sad face).

We are rapidly coming to a point in this world though where the need for fame overwhelms any and all logic, and as such, worse things are coming. As Plowman posted to her Facebook page:  ”OMG! SO I JUST FOUND OUT IM GOING TO BE ON TOSH.O!!! One of Daniel Tosh’s agents got ahold of me and said they would love to have me and my video on their show! This is amazing. Like I never thought it would get this big. And of course I’ll be going.”

Mark my words: Someone is going to top all this business one day in a fashion that makes “2 Girls 1 Cup” look vanilla by comparison. And somebody somewhere will happily broadcast it for the ratings. I hate to say Plowman is correct about anything in this life, but she raises a good point when she says, “Have you ever watched Jackass? Fear Factor? Jersey Shore? I know you all have. It’s okay for them to get famous from eating and doing such stupid stuff or being sluts and partying hard. But I eat a tampon and get so much hate? It makes no sense. Just because I’m a girl and ate something gross and got famous you hate on me?”

After all, most of us have seen some porn star swallowing cum, which might even been more disgusting (have you seen sperm under a microscope?). Maybe we all need to get over our hangups about “women stuff.” Dog fuckers, you’re on your own.

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