You can do it, we can help. Or at least the Reckless Tortuga Bad Roomies movie can help you laugh about it afterwards.
So you need a new roommate. Your old one moved out, and you and your buddy are forced with finding a new person to fill that third bedroom in your house. And like any normal adult you’re concerned. Roommate 3-ways that leave everyone involved feeling awkward and ashamed are an ever-present and growing pest that you’d rather avoid.
But avoiding an awkward 3-way with your roommates is so hard! And there are so many pitfalls along the way just ready to pounce on your smallest mistake.
Fear not. Inspired and presented by Bad Roomies, the first feature film by Reckless Tortuga co-founder Jason Schnell, we have your surefire guide to avoiding an awkward 3-way with your roommates in __ easy steps.
Step 1: Don’t choose a roommate you’re physically attracted to.
This will seem counterintuitive, but the easiest defense against choosing a terrible roommate is not picking one you think is hot. There are so many fantastic roommates in the world! Very few things should signal a red flag, but a certain tingling in your loins is one. Let’s go to our sample scenario for some examples.
All wonderful roommate choices! A guy concerned with civic service, looking for a place to volunteer! Another who will always alert you to harmful pollen! And twins who are just trying to cut down your rent even further! How thrifty!
Now that you’ve seen some positive examples, let’s see if you can spot the red flag.
Did you see their mistake? One moment failing to be vigilant, and they’re already asking her to move in.
Step 2: If your attractive roommate is coming out of the shower, don’t stare. Cover your eyes, scream, and run the other direction.
Ok, so you failed step one and are now living with a certified hottie. Never fear! You can still avoid awkward 3-ways.
The next step concerns communal space, particularly bathrooms. You’re more likely to see your new attractive roommate in communal areas rather than your bedroom, and the hallways around the bathroom are particular danger zones.
Why is this? Well, going to and coming from the bathroom, your hot roommate is less likely to be wearing a regular amount of clothes than at any other time of day or place in the house. You must be especially careful. Let’s take another look at our example scenario.
Now, what did our man do wrong in this scenario?
If you answered, “Didn’t cover his eyes and run away screaming,” you’re right! You can see that his instincts are good – he immediately tries to look away from the uncovered attractive roommate. But remember, it’s a three step system, just like, “Stop, drop, and roll.” One part is not enough. Always remember, “Cover, scream, and run.”
Step 3: If you find yourself intoxicated and your attractive roommate proposes a 3-way, your answer is always, “No.”
Little known fact: alcohol can impair judgment. Yes, it’s a bizarre phenomenon not yet understood by science, but that doesn’t make it any less real. And so you should know: If you are asked to have a 3-way and you are drunk (or merely impaired by your attractive roommate’s sexiness), the answer is always, “No.” Say it with me now, “No.”
EXERCISE: Practice saying “No” 50 times. Repeat daily.
Had the men in our scenario done this they would have been able to respond properly to this situation and not be at risk of entering an awkward 3-way with their roommates that left everyone regretting their life decisions.
Step 4: If you don’t want to have a drunken, awkward 3-way with your roommates but your other roommate is all for it, refer to step 3.
If you’ve made it to this step, more exercises are in order.
EXERCISE: Practice saying, “No. Yes, I’m sure. The answer is No.” 100 times a day. Be sure to be forceful with yourself. It may help to do this in front of a mirror. If you can make yourself cry, you are making good progress.
Step 5: Watch Bad Roomies so you at least have someone to commiserate with.
If you have made it to this step, you have, like so many before you, succumbed to the scourge of an awkward 3-way with your roommates. Awwwww, too bad. We’re sorry to hear it.
We’re sorry to say that there’s no hope for you now. Well, except finding people who understand you. So cuddle up on the couch (preferably not with the roommates with whom you’ve just had an awkward 3-way…or do. We really don’t know what you should do in this situation.) and watch Reckless Tortuga’s Bad Roomies. Laughter really is the best medicine.