4 Things You Wish You Knew Before Joining Twitter

As you may or may not know, I am new to the Twitter world. My personal Twitter account boasts a staggering 33 followers who, by all accounts, began following me in a drunken or hallucinogenic stupor. To this day I have not been able to crack the code of Twitter stardom. The microblogging site seems like an incredibly valuable tool for businesses and celebrities, but what about the rest of us little guys? For all the wide-eyed and optimistic future tweeters out there, you should know a few things before starting that account.

 

Twitter Belongs To The Celebrities

I bet you have the perfect Rick Santorum tweet. Your wit and cunning word play will send your audience into “Who Framed Roger Rabbit” style fatal laughing fits. Rick Santorum himself will read the tweet; only to have his world sent reeling by your mastery of witticisms. The only problem is every celebrity on Twitter sent out similar tweets before you even knew an election was happening. These people are professional entertainers; it is their job to be the voice of current events. You just cannot compete with someone who has millions of followers.

 

Everyone Uses It For Marketing

No matter how badly I wanted Twitter to be a place to nurture creative ideas, it is anything but that.  On an average day my Twitter feed reads as follows.

9:00 a.m


@StrugglingFreeLanceWriter: Hey Everyone Check Out My New e-Book, the first 5 copies are free [link to some bull shit]
@SocialMediaExpert345432: Become a social media expert with 5 easy steps [link to some more bull shit]
@PopularSponsoredSummerMovie: Retweet if you’ll be at the midnight release #ActionMovie
@SocialMediaExpert345433: Become MORE than a social media expert with 6 easy steps [link to additional bull shit]
@Mashable: Twitters impact on Ukraine [Infographic]
@Mashable: How Penguins are using social media [Infographic]
@SocialMediaExpert3454334: Now is your last chance to sign up for our social media master class, master social media and become a master expert
@Mashable: Are infographics the new graphics for info? [Infographic]
@SocialMediaExpert345433: RT: Are Infographics the new graphics for info? [Infographic]

9:05a.m

@StrugglingFreeLanceWriter:Only 5 FREE Copies Left of My e-Book “Lamentations of The Unicorn” [Link]
@PopularSponsoredSummerMovie: Retweet if you’ll be at the midnight release #ActionMovie
@ThatGirlYouTalkedToOnceInHighSchool: #ActionMovie wooooo! I’ll be there
@Mashable: Summer Action Movies Impact On Twitter [Infographic]
@SocialMediaExpert345432: RT: Summer Action Movies Impact On Twitter [Infographic]

 

Do Not Get Excited About a New Follower its Probably a Robot

Let me preface by saying that if a sentient robot is following you on Twitter, you have every right to be excited. However most of the time, the bot is either someone trying to sell products, hack your account or promote some kind of weird sex thing. If a young girl follows you on Twitter explaining that she is alone and in [insert your city], for the love of God do not click that link.

 

 

Tweeting At Someone Does Not Guarantee A Response

I know it may come as a shock, but most celebrities and companies do not care what the public has to say. I used to believe that with Twitter I could just add an @ to any person’s name and boom, we would be best friends. Turns out @TheRock doesn’t appreciate that I thought he kicked ass during Summer Slam 1998. He could not smell what I was cooking.