Blowing Up On Twitter, and Not in a Good Way

People (read: my mom) are always asking me, “How can I get more followers on Twitter?”, and I always correct them by saying, “The question isn’t ‘How can you get more followers on Twitter’, the question is, ‘How can you get more Twitters on followers.” The day when you can answer that, my pupils, is the day when you can officially be declared insane.

The truth is that I don’t know a surefire formula for a non-celebrity to gain loads of Twitter followers besides networking, content, activity, and time, and the other truth is that my mom doesn’t ask me, “How can I get more followers on Twitter?”, she asks me, “How can I get to that Twitter website on my computer?” Being the good son that I am, I tell her to Google it, which is my answer to all of her annoying questions. “How can I check my email?” “How can I join Facebook?” “Is a lump in my breast normal?” Blah, blah, blah, blah. Dang, ma, just Google it! I’m wrapped up in this iPhone game right now – just wait until I call you next year to ask me your dumb questions. Sheesh.

It’s clear I don’t know how to blow up on Twitter in the getting-assloads-of-followers sense; I just know how to blow up on Twitter at my work, my life, and the world. Of course, it doesn’t matter how much I vent on Twitter because I’m followed by 3 people and 6 bots. The 3 people that follow me are people I threatened with physical harm if they didn’t follow me on Twitter while on one of my Friday night cocaine binges.

I’m not the only one that blows up on Twitter, however. Actor and firebrand Alec Baldwin regularly rants on Twitter about all the issues that make him red in his big bloated face, ‘issues’ other than Grey Goose and Jack Daniels. Most recently, Baldwin went on a missive against The Today Show and then his employer, NBC. Angry at NBC’s weekday morning show for purportedly waiting outside his home for an interview about his recently arrested stalker, Baldwin tweeted,

Last month, Baldwin, in left-wing attack-bot mode, tweeted out his political frustrations.

Before that, Baldwin ranted against American Airlines for kicking him off a flight because he refused to stop playing Words With Friends. I guarantee you that Baldwin is that buzz kill player that when he starts losing, would rather just resign than let you finish out your victory. Asshat. Anyway, after his tirade against American Airlines and the backlash that followed (apparently, cell phone signals can disrupt an airplane’s signals, making the airplane implode and causing a rift between dimensions), Baldwin swore off Twitter and deleted it.

A very recent celebrity Twitter meltdown is Courtney Love’s attack against Dave Grohl on her personal Twitter page alleging that he made sexual advances on her and Kurt Cobain’s daughter. Tbh, I’m not sure it can be considered a meltdown if meltdown-ing is her usual modus operandi. Among some of her tweets were, “i hear from frannies roommate that @davegrohl hit on frances, and she was curious . I’m not mad her, him i am about to shoot, dead” and “no dave tried to fuck me a lot and i always thought he had that romney rape thing about him he fucked all my pals.”

Her daughter came out afterward and refuted her mother’s tweets through a press statement that read, “Bitch is crazy.” Actually, it said, “While I’m generally silent on the affairs of my biological mother, her recent tirade has taken a gross turn. I have never been approached by Dave Grohl in more than a platonic way. I’m in a monogamous relationship and very happy. Twitter should ban my mother.” Hey, be careful how you talk about your mother, young lady. Only I may speak about my mother that way.

Lastly, let’s not forget Washington Redskins’ #1 wide receiver Jabar Gaffney’s recent hateful tweets about his ex-wife.

Gaffney says his Twitter account was hacked. And it just so happens that the hacker was also married to his ex-wife and harbors the same disdain for her. Yup. His last tweet was, “I’m super educated and blessed by the man upstairs and just so this never happens again I’m deleting twitter so now if u c my name it’s fake.”

The lesson in all of this? Blowing up on Twitter can have repercussions, so yell at your mom instead. She’s old and defenseless 🙂


Disclaimer: I love my mom, and you should love your mom too.