What Facebook Should Have Spent 1 Billion Dollars On

You really blew it Facebook. In one fell swoop, you spent 1 billion dollars and broke the collective hearts of iPhone photogs worldwide. As the overall pessimistic reaction on Twitter shows, people are not psyched on Facebook absorbing Instagram à la “The Blob.” Instagram seemed to be doing just fine without you, that 1 billion could have been spent on something so much more beneficial to humanity. What’s that Mark? You want to know what that 1 billion could have been better spent on? I am glad you asked.


Kaiju Big Battel

I would be a fool, a damn fool if I thought I could explain what Kaiju Big Battel is better than this press release:

“Kaiju Big Battel is a modern conflict of epic proportions. Planet Earth is under threat: scattered throughout the galaxy is a monstrous mob of maniacal villains, menacing alien beasts, and giant, city-crushing monsters that are waging war against one another.”

What the above quote translates into is basically W.W.F style wrestling done by people dressed in homemade monster costumes. I have a hard time believing that the Renaissance was the pinnacle of human creation based on the fact that Kaiju Big Battel was not invented then.

What The 1 Billion Could Buy

For starters, the money could build stadium sized rings with fully functioning miniature cities that the Kaiju combatants could brawl in. Currently, the sets of Kaiju Big Battel are made of cardboard. A photo sharing application or life sized buildings that people dressed as monster could destroy? Get real Facebook, you know you messed up.

Anything With Tommy Wiseau

What better way to spend a ridiculous amount of money than to fund the work of a genius? Tommy Wiseau is the legendary director of the cult classic “The Room,” as well as the star of The Tommy Wi-Show out with Machinima. If you are reading this and feel a little confused, let this clip from “The Room” answer all of your questions.


What the 1 Billion Could Buy

Where do I even begin? First off fund a 200 million dollar sequel to “The Room” called “The House.” Second, Machinima should be paid one thousand dollars an hour for producing The Tommy Wi-Show with an additional 12 million dollar budget for future shows.  Finally, the rest should go into a campaign to make Tommy Wiseau the president of Earth.

Just Give It To Everything Is Terrible

Everything Is Terrible describes themselves as,

“A collective of seven furry, lovable internet monsters who live in a cave full of VCRS and solve mysteries. We take forgotten VHS tapes of all kinds and edit them down into easily digestible viral videos.”

Each video posted on the Everything Is Terrible site is so bad, that I foolishly think to myself ‘oh there is nothing worse in the world than what I just saw.’ However, there is, and it’s the video immediately following the one I just watched. Again, I ask you to consult the below video.

What the 1 Billion Could Buy

The money could be used in anyway that these brilliant minds saw fit. How do I know that they are brilliant minds? Just check out this section from their about page.

“For if it is represent infinity now we must forget that pleasant and furry past of the order of unknown entities the finite infinite Zeno minded scoundrel of untold place cards and dinner party etiquette.”

If you asked a complete maniac to write a wedding invitation, that is how it would read. How could Facebook read that and not give Everything Is Terrible a billion dollars?

Help Fund Vampire, Ghost and Werewolf Hunters

Just got to websites like vampirewebsite.net and TheShadowLands.net and you will see just how badly these heroes need money. With websites so poorly designed and out of date, it is clear that most of these men and women’s time is spent protecting us from creatures of the night. There are also many confused young people out in the world who need the proper training and education in matters of the occult. As is evident from this instructables.com post titled “Vampire Hunting For Beginners.”

What the 1 Billion Could Buy

The 1 billion could be spent on updating websites, forums and blogs dedicated to the supernatural, to make them look less like they were made with a Commodore VIC 20. The money could also fund more documentary-training films like “Van Helsing” and “From Dusk Till Dawn.”

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