Happy Birthday, Google! Getting Dirty With the 14 Oddest Search Questions

It is hard to believe that 14 short years ago, my grandpa was like, “What’s a Google?” Now his most favorite pastime is to Google all the odd questions that people ask of the search engine giant. No, that isn’t actually true. My grandpa has been dead a hell of a lot longer than Google has been around. I’m sure had he survived to see Google, he would have loved posting silly answers to these odd search requests. No, that isn’t true either. Well, fuck it, I’m doing this anyway. Happy 14th birthday, Google, keep stickin’ it to those assbags over at Bing.

This question frightens me with the alarming number of ways it has been asked, and the fact that all of them are enormously popular queries on Google. It seems that an awful lot of people 1. have green poop and 2. are curious about it. Frankly, I am relieved I didn’t come across the question “Why does green poop taste better than brown poop?” It’s good to see that brown poop is still number one in taste. If you’ve read this far, I guess you’re expecting some sort of answer, so…iron. You have a diet high in iron-rich nutrients like spinach. Good for you, Popeye.

Really when you break it down, why would you even want to live forever? Because it would be awesome, that’s why! Think how imminently bang-able you become when members of the opposite sex find out you can’t die! It’s like “Groundhog Day,” except you aren’t constantly stuck on the second worst holiday of the year (lookin’ at you, Ramadan). You could outlive vampires (because they don’t exist) and see how the world ends! Just imagine how sweet it will be to float endlessly through the vast expanse of space after the sun supernovas and disintegrates the Earth! Long story short, no. No, you absolute waste of humanity, no, you can’t live forever.

We don’t. Next question.

Now we’re getting somewhere. This is the sort of question that makes me excited for the future. This person cut through the red tape and controversy of religion to get down to brass tacks: I don’t need to question whether or not the devil is real, I just want him (or her [yeah right, the devil is totally a guy, I just had to say that for legal reasons]) to give me some sweet moola. You know, if you just applied yourself in life, you could probably become rich on your own and you wouldn’t have to blister in Hell over it, yeah?

You can, but it wouldn’t be fair to all those goats you’ve doubtlessly made promises to, ya twisted fuck.

Okay, this might seem a little bit gross, but it totally worked for my neighbor. So what you’ve got to do is, get a cement mixer full of semen… you know what? Missionary style, quick and simple. No muss, no fuss, no swimming in a cement mixer.

Right between his goddamn soulless eyes. This applies to zombie squirrels as well.

Wait till I’m done, then politely tap me on the shoulder. Ba-dum-chee. But seriously, here you’re going to want to employ the Beakman-Stanzler method of pinching your nostrils closed and then flicking your tongue out, lizard-like, until she falls asleep.

This question makes me think of the previous one for some reason. The answer here is a bit of a gray area. While, strictly speaking, it is not legal to murder domesticated animals for the purposes of consumption, you can get around this law by eating at most fast food Chinese restaurants.

Eating at most fast food Chinese restaurants. Also, a lack of sleep. No, wait, just the first thing.

I was going to answer this question all snarky, but it is a fair question and thus warrants a fair answer. When their first hit song (I think it was called “You Remind Me”) came out, I gave a copy of their CD to a girl I liked. She ended up not dating me, and I think I’ve always experienced a sense of melancholia with their music ever since. I think a lot of people have a similar story. Oh, and also because they seem like a bunch of douchebags. I read an interview with the lead singer once, and in the interview he actually unironically called his girlfriend over to confirm that he had a big penis. How douchey does that sound? Also, true story, they named their band after the most common amount of change given at a Starbucks. And they’re weepy Canadians.

You can if you lie in a downward-facing angle on your stomach… I gotta believe that this question was asked by the same person who asked if they could live forever. At a certain point, you just have to stop asking Google questions, accept your limitations, and start watching pro wrestling.

Because the dog got you pregnant and you didn’t want to raise a bastard puppy.

Google, this is why you are a billion dollar corporation with a successful 14-year run, and I am just an obnoxious staff writer at a media magazine. You field the tough questions that I just don’t have answers for.

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