Confirmed by the National Pig Association, a Britain-based pork industry group, “a world shortage of pork and bacon next year is now unavoidable.” The pig shortage is coming on the backs of a drought that withered corn and soybean crops throughout the European Union, products which contribute largely to yummy pig diets. Less pig food means less pigs, less pigs means less bacon, and less bacon means the Internet will starve. Not even The Onioncould conceive of a satire this cruel.
Anybody who has spent more than a few minutes browsing the pictures and .gifs on Reddit or Tumblr knows that bacon is the lifeblood of the digital masses, and the upcoming shortage could result in the complete collapse of all delicious, bacon-related photography. I myself in the past year posted a photo on Facebook of a bouquet of bacon roses my wife made me for Valentine’s Day or one of those other holidays…maybe an anniversary…the point is, it’s pretty much all the worst stuff of the Bible coming true.
A web-based panic of massive proportions is already taking place as people are vowing to stock up on as much bacon as possible now. Personally, my plan instead is to invest in one gun and many bullets, for the true path to bacon salvation lies in being able to rob these bacon hoarders of their precious salty snacks. The end is nigh! Forget the women and children on this one, it’s going to be every bacon-loving Internet lardass for themselves.