Now that Sandy, the “East Coast hurricane” (it was a “category 1,” which puts it slightly below the level of a wet fart) is mostly finished “raging” across the upper Eastern Seaboard and completely dominating the media’s attention, life is about “rebuilding.” As a method of encouraging East-Coasters to effect a sense of normalcy and togetherness, we at NMR have decided to cobble together five survival tips for the strange new world our New England compatriots will doubtlessly be experiencing from here on out.
I loosely based the chosen videos off of Abraham Maslow’s “Hierarchy of Needs” in an attempt to provide Manhattanites, and their friends, with the complete survival experience. Hope this helps, but would frankly not be surprised if it somehow made everything worse.
Water — or a water substitute — is the most important component of long-term survival aside from air. Since the East Coast should still have air (it was a hurricane, not Dark Helmet), we must concentrate on getting them a source of vital liquid nourishment. Fortunately, Bear Grylls, the Internet’s favorite pee drinker, is on hand to show us just how it’s done. Now I do realize that in order to manufacture pee, sometimes you need to have an outside source of liquid. For that, I recommend drinking your neighbor’s pee straight from the “tap.” It’s only weird if you like it.
I searched the entire Internet for instructions on “How to Build An Ark.” It turns out that not only are there not many true “ark videos,” but there are absolutely no “ark-building tutorials.” I thought we were shit-out-of-luck until I came across this little-seen video of a modern day Noah explaining that ark technology is a thing of the past — God just ordered him to build a bi-wing glider capable of gliding(?) all the animals safely above the forthcoming floods. A bi-wing glider. I know the guy specifically says not to mock him, but I figure the odds are good that he wouldn’t let me on his glider anyways.
The best thing about technology is that if you can conceive of it, someone out there already has a video explaining how to do it (apparently, Ark-building is the exception that proves the rule). And so, with your personal safety in mind (and possibly your hunger?), I offer you a video on how to hunt/trap humans. “Nuff said.
Look, if the after-effects of this storm go the way I think they’re going to go, there are going to be massive human casualties (no, not really, refer to that “category 1” statement above) and some horse-faced Brooklyn mechanic is going to be wholly responsible for repopulating the East Coast. As a result of this, the surviving women are likely going to be less than receptive to the “necessary” process that is “being seeded.” So our Bronx Adam is going to need an alternate technique for shacking up with multiple Eves (NMR in no way advocates “forced pollination”). I submit, for your approval, this video of “How to Seduce Women Through Hypnosis.” It is easily the creepiest thing going in the dating world (other than “forced pollination”), but these are drastic times. My apologies for the two weisenheimers commenting on the video.
Now that East Coasters have liquids, um … a glider, safety and a foolproof guide to landing members of the opposite sex, the only thing left is entertainment. So as the final level of on our “need pyramid” I give you this — a video on how to make cocaine. Take this knowledge and use it to party while the rest of us go about our normal, boring lives. I wish the West Coast had a hurricane instead of lousy-ass earthquakes….