Facebook is like a chair. No, wait, it’s actually like an airplane, or is it a doorbell? No, I’m pretty sure it’s like baseball because everyone likes baseball, or something like that? What’s this now? Facebook is actually like a great nation. Nevermind, now Facebook is like a handshake, now a milkshake, now a garden snake, now it’s a birthday cake. God dammit, I’m so confused.
Welcome to Facebook’s first commercial ever.
Facebook has released their first TV spot in conjunction with the news that they have reached 1 billion active users.
Traditionally, the point of commercials is to inform people of products. With one billion users, whom could Facebook possibly be trying to reach?
Mark Zuckerberg issued a statement about the bewildering commercial:
“Chairs, doorbells, airplanes, bridges, games. These are all things that connect us. And now Facebook is a part of this tradition of things that connect us too. I hope you enjoy this video as much as we do. Thanks for helping connect a billion people.”
Real talk: this commercial is bat-shit crazy. So, let’s just dive right in and break this orgy of allegories down.
Opening Shot–Floating chair, because chairs are typically on ground level, thus this must be artistic or something.
More Chairs–Because Facebook is like a chair, you dummy.
Narrator–“Chairs are made so people can sit down and take a break.”
Okay, everything is adding up so far
Narrator–“Anyone can sit on a chair, and if the chair is large enough they can sit down together”
Okay, I guess that makes sense, but I think what you might be thinking of is a bench.
Auditorium full of (you guessed it) chairs— “Chairs are for people, and that is why chairs are like Facebook.”
All right, you’ve lost me.
Narrator–“Doorbell, Airplanes, Bridges”
What the fuck is going on?
Close up of what looks like a girl crying in a kitchen— This is obviously a metaphor for how Facebook felt after paying millions to have this commercial made and distributed.
Narrator–“The universe, it is vast and dark and makes us wonder if we are alone. So, maybe the reason we make all of these things, is to remind ourselves that we are not”
There you have it, dear reader if you are feeling completely alone in the world and having an existential crisis, just hop on the old Facebook and read some bullshit status update about getting wasted at taco Tuesday. That should set you straight.