All too soon, The Chive and its cadre of do-gooders were swarming “DoW’s” Twitter account, leaving messages of good cheer, and adding “on Wheels” to the end of their own Twitter handles. I’m sure if Dave wanted a breathing tube-operated Ferrari, the folks at The Chive would have made sure he got one. Dave’s sister even went on her own Twitter to thank The Chivers for their support. And then Dave got really big. The whole web seemed to know about the plucky young man with the razor wit who could only type four words a minute. Kim Kardashian, ever on the cutting edge, retweeted some of Dave’s words to showcase that she too had that “enduring spirit.” The Internet was well on its way to electing their new prince. And then shit got bad.
“Dave on Wheels” was nervous — he’d gone into the hospital with shortness of breath last week and now he had to have a procedure. The Chive hung on with bated breath, waiting for positive news. It was not to come … Dave slipped into a coma and died a short time later … the angel too beautiful for this world was called back to Heaven. And the Internet was sad.
The Chive tried to do nice things, possibly even build a breathing tube-operated coffin, but Dave’s sister was elusive and strange. Photos of Dave surfaced, only in those photos, “Dave” wasn’t Dave at all — he was “Hunter Dunn,” a man who was like “Dave” with cerebral palsy. The Chive hired a private investigator to track down the truth, and the PI came back with some chilling news: nobody named David Rose had died recently. Dun dun dunnnnnnn!
As John Resig, the masthead and co-founder of The Chive wrote on his page: “If this story was indeed fake, it was one of the most sophisticated ruses we’ve ever seen; this took years to cultivate. It would require somebody willing to create multiple false identities. Somebody with not only intelligence, but someone with deep knowledge of cerebral palsy, ASL, and the Newport Beach area. Somebody very, very sick.” I love that this guy had to be a new incarnation of Fantomas, the dastardly arch-villain behind all crime everywhere, and not just, you know, the pathetic doofus wanting to inspire people that it turned out to be.
An anonymous loser copped to the whole thing on the website Blogspot, leaving John to explain everything of how he and the rest of his community got jobbed. While I agree with his assessment that he should be able to take people at their word, and everything should be all sunshine and puppies, I think the simple truth is this: THE INTERNET IS A HUGE AND SCARY PLACE FULL OF SCARY, ODDBALL PEOPLE! Next time, check on this shit before you get Kim Kardashian’s name dragged through the mud. KCCO, right?
UPDATE: For the extremely detailed dissecting of this “hoax,” check out http://dave-on-wheels-exposed.blogspot.ca/