Oh, the Instagram food picture. Some may say that the subtle art of Instagram food photography is just simply pointing their iPhones at their plate and snapping a pic, but this is far from the truth. It is plausible to say that this photo-sharing service wouldn’t be where it is today without the millions of people shamelessly snapping photos of their gluttonous, First World indulgences. Here are some tips to turn that drab photo of your rattlesnake and rabbit sausage into bonafide art from the world’s greatest Instagram food photographer on Earth: Me.
Protip: Adequate Lighting
Lighting is everything. Your phone’s camera is only as good as the amount of photons it can capture. Make sure to be near an adequate light source. If you can’t see the meal properly, how will your friends know that you just spent $30 on a sandwich from that upscale cafeteria in Silverlake that specializes in using two-day old produce found in dumpsters behind Whole Foods.
Protip: Use Artistic Composition
A great Instagram food pic requires a subtle composition that highlights the intricacies of the dish, while expressing your unique and individual artistic style. Ever hear of the “rule of thirds?” Fuck that shit. True artists hardly, if ever, follow rules. Don’t forget to make sure everyone can see that $770 craft beer encased in the body of a taxidermy squirrel as well. Your Instagram will be aflutter with likes and comments, and your ego will bloat like a weather balloon carrying a hamburger into space.
Protip: Use Filters
Does that picture of the deconstructed taro root bubble tea you’re shoveling into your mouth look like baby vomit? Instagram has you covered. Throw a filter on that shit. Your photo will go from ordinary baby vomit to baby vomit … FROM THE 60’s. Your friends and followers will be impressed and will help you to validate your consumption of arrogantly named, overpriced beverages served on Asian soup spoons.
Protip: Use Multiple Photo Apps
That plate of butterfish poached in lemongrass ginger broth topped with beet foam must and will be shared with the world. Instead of using one app to process your already shitty food picture, why not use three? Run that shit through an 8-bit pixel app to show everyone how much you love retro gaming. Then plop it into one of those framing apps, and add a picture of your 19th century strong man mustache with a mouth full of that delightful beet foam (beets are gross enough on their own — do we really need to turn them into foam?) Throw that bad boy into Instagram, and choose a random filter (really, it doesn’t matter which one. Your picture already sucks). Lastly, be sure to leave a caption naming the restaurant, the name of the dish, the name of the fisherman who caught your butterfish, and at least 3 “noms” for good measure.
Protip: Ignore Haters
Always remember to ignore the stares of your fellow foodie patrons as you awkwardly pull out your phone and start snapping photos. And trust me, people will stare at you. Fuck ’em. They obviously just don’t appreciate the hazelnut-fed pork with young onion roots, swiss chard, red currant, goji berry and lardo as much as you do. (What the fuck is “lardo,” you ask? Fancy-ass pig fat cured with rosemary in marble caves for months, you ignorant dingus)
Having read these insanely genius tips, you are now nowhere near being a professional Instagram food photographer. A title like that requires years of training and unwavering delusions of self grandeur that mere mortals can only dream of obtaining. I’d give you guys my Instagram username, but I don’t want a bunch of random people peering into my private life. Go away. Leave me alone. STOP LOOKING AT ME!
(Disclaimer: I take food pictures daily, thus making me a blatant hypocrite. Thankfully, being a hipster is all about hypocrisy and being ironic. So fuck you, I win)