Lesbian Accused Of False Beating Posts Punishingly Long Defense Video On YouTube

I’ve always had the uncanny ability to look at someone accused of something and know if they’re guilty. My secret? They’re ALWAYS guilty. It doesn’t matter if DNA completely proves their innocence, they’re still motherfucking guilty. This lady out in Shitdale accused of faking a kidnapping/beating? She’s extra guilty.

In a possible attempt to sway a jury of media-savvy peers, Nebraska lesbian Charlie Rogers has taken to YouTube to proclaim her innocence over a vicious assault that police say didn’t happen. In the video, which has pulled in only 7,400 views since being posted on Nov. 13th, Rogers explains, “I. Did. Not. Do. This.” It could have taken her five seconds, and yet, I had to sit for another 15 minutes as she fumbles through explanations as to how all the evidence seems to point solely at her. I could have spent that time writing about cats! Perhaps more damning is the Facebook post she made days before she was attacked: “I believe way deep inside me that we can make things better for everyone. I will be a catalyst. I will do what it takes. I will; watch me.” That’s what we in the business of media know as “crazy people talk.”

Since my job is to report new media happenings and not law, I won’t get too into the details of this case. Long story short though, Rogers claims three men broke into her house, tied her up, cut homophobic slurs into her body, and then set her house on fire. Dear Diary, today I got a new fantasy … The law, on the other hand, claims that all the evidence points to her doing it to herself. This video doesn’t exactly endear me to her plight, either. She has the cold, shadowy features of a liar … or somebody who doesn’t know shit about proper lighting techniques. Either way, throw the book at her.

Before people get fussy and call me insensitive, remember that you’re only innocent until proven guilty in the court of law; this is the court of new media. And for having a boring video, I find her: Guilty!

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