The best thing ever invented was not the wheel or the printing press, but rather the game of “Pong.” Yep, two electronic paddles volleying a blip back and forth is better than the polio vaccine. Sugar-free gum isn’t shit compared with the majestic beauty that is hand/eye coordination matched in brutal sport. Also, fuck ping pong; I take my games like I take my identity theft: electronic.
I say “Pong” is superior to all things man-made and found in nature only because of “Test Drive” for the PlayStation 2. “Test Drive” used “Pong” as a mini game during its loading screen, thereby making the longest and worst moments of being a kid seem incredibly bearable. Pretty soon my friends and I wouldn’t even actually play “Test Drive,” we’d just load it to play “Pong.”
And now, new studies are showing that YouTube videos are in dire need of a little “Pong” themselves. It turns out that anything longer than a 2-second load time costs videos viewers. Every second thereafter results in an additional 6% loss of potential subscribers/fans/money. After 5 seconds, you’ve lost 20% of your audience. They will be slightly more patient if the video in question is a longer one (or if its headline boasts a monkey eating poo), but why lose anyone if you don’t have to? People need to see your Gotye parody video, right?
Your friends at NMR are here to the rescue. Obviously, you can’t do too much about people’s internet speeds or available bandwidth or any of that technical shit. So instead, we’re bringing you the most comprehensive list of things viewers can do with the two seconds it takes for your video to load.
- Drum out “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” opener on your desk with your fingers
- Scream “Heyyyyyyy Laddddyyyyyyy!!!” out of your cubicle. Repeat for every vid watched.
- Pee your pants a little. Just a little.
- Hold a burping contest with yourself
- Whine for 2 seconds about how long it takes videos to load
- Hold two index fingers horizontally an inch apart in front of your eyes. Stare. Spooky “floating finger with two fingernails” will appear.
- Load one imaginary bullet into your finger gun. Play Russian Roulette “for keeps.”
- Have sex. Ooh burn.
- Load real bullets into your SIG 556 semi-automatic rifle with extended banana clip. Delay “the cleansing” until your next video loads. Thereafter, fire in 2-second bursts.
- Eat a “fun-size” Snickers bar.
- How bout you do some actual work in that 2 seconds, slacker?
- Watch a previously-loaded video in the interim.
- Group-text “Race War!!!!” to your entire office. Align yourself with the hard-as-nails Eskimo guy.
- Pick up your office phone and say, “Noah, build me an Ark.” Listen to see if your co-workers actually think you are God.
- Consume a fuckload of bath salts. Make sure video you are loading is a “face-eating” tutorial!
- Eat half of a “regular size” Snickers bar.
- Warn your coworkers you “just ate a fuckload of bath salts” and that if they don’t want their faces eaten, they’d “better start running.”
- Scratch “He” into your inner arm with tip of scissors. Add “loves me not” after conclusion of video.
- Spin around clockwise in your office chair.
- Spin around counter-clockwise in your office chair.
- Cook 1/30th of a bag of “minute rice.”
- Ask Janet if she wants some “dong” on her lunch break.
- Throw wadded ball of paper into a different cubicle. Whistle innocently.
- Text “Subscribe” to “911SlutPics” on your work cellphone
- Sell entirety of your Groupon stock. Buy vending machine mints with the profits.
- Draw face on your fist. Now tongue-kiss your fist. Let me watch.
- Squeeze the end of your nose until blood vessels burst and it turns purple.
- Jumpstart an office “Fight Club” by suckerpunching Randy Meyerhoffer in Accounting.
- Explain to your boss that Janet is a liar.
- Sneak-check your balls for cancer. Resist urge to sniff your fingers after.
- Eat 1/3 of a “jumbo size” Snickers bar
- Masturbate on Chatroulette until you hear someone on other end say, “Oh great, another p*nis.”
- Stick hi-lighter marker tip up your nose. Inhale deeply. Watch “face-eating” tutorial.