Fad Alert: ‘Milking’ is the New ‘Tebowing’ is the New ‘Planking’ …

Innovators, I’m convinced, are fucking with us. It is the same with black slang. At a certain point, it all boils down to “Let’s see what we can make these stupid-ass white people say/do.” As proof of this theory, I humbly submit “milking.”

In the embarrassing tradition of “Tebowing” and “planking,” “milking” is the latest “new media craze” popping up on Instagram, YouTube and everywhere else it shouldn’t. For the curious, “milking” is the filmed act of pouring a bottle of pasteurized cow juice over your head in a public place. Anything to numb the sting of a meaningless existence, yeah?

 “We didn’t expect a reaction this large, the video was initially intended for our friends,” George Hoyland, one of the innovators of the new fad, said in an interview with the UK’s Daily Mail. I call bullshit. Insta-celebrity is the motivation behind just about any aspect of mass communication these days. Every tweet, status update or post these days is wrapped in the consideration of “Maybe this one will go viral, and I will be famous?”

The sad truth is, for every “milking” or “coning” you see go huge, there are likely thousands of failed “movements” that didn’t capture the public’s attention. I’m sure there were things such as “damping” (peeing through a mail slot onto a business’ carpeting/tile) “cricketing” (dumping a bunch of crickets into someone’s agape car window) and “genociding” (attempting to exterminate an entire race of people for the amusement of people on Tumblr). I mostly made those up, so don’t bother searching for them.

My question is, when will we stop filming ourselves wasting time and dairy and start contributing to society’s good? Can you imagine if “jacketing” (giving a homeless person a warm jacket for winter) became a thing? Or how about “yellowing” (squirting mustard onto someone’s windshield if they park poorly)? This isn’t hard, people. Put those noggins to use for something besides dumping milk on.

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