Twitter Gets Hacked: NMR Helps You Change Your Password, Cajun-Style!

So Twitter got hacked, and now they’re sending out a bunch of emails asking people like NMR writer Matthew Manarino to change their passwords. Also the knobjobs at TechCrunch. I’m guessing a lot of these people had really stupid passwords. Like “password.” Or the thinking man’s lazy password: “password1.”

Now while I don’t worry too much about some widespread hack of a microblogging platform (there is safety in extreme numbers, people … the zombie’s can’t possibly get us all …), I do stress the importance of good, reliable passwords. I’m not some tyrant though, who insists on something like “K5ZD7W12X” with your hint being “Serial number on granola bar wrapper from Thursday.” That is what we call “overdoing it.” You’re guarding brewski pics on Facebook, not the “Typhinian-6” alien carcasses at Area 52 (yup, I know all about it!).

Also, I hate when people have ridiculous passwords like their pet’s name. “Fluffernutter” will just make you seem like the obvious choice to those Bulgarian hackers who bought your info in bulk. How embarrassing would it be to find out that you got hacked BECAUSE you’re an asshole?

Here is what you do: Make your password something that you can leave out in plain sight because it is the least obvious password ever! Make your password “Meatloaf 4 Dinner” and put that sticky note anywhere! Anybody breaking into your house to steal your secure info will only find themselves thinking of ways to get invited to that dinner — especially if I’m the one breaking into your house! Of course, if I’m the one breaking into your house, you’ve got bigger problems than being hacked. Hope you like upper-deckers.

The art of password-creating or “neo-cyber-encryptography” (I’m coining that phrase here, but I’m sure a much less lame term probably already exists) is a delicate one. It’s like playing chess — you’ve got to think four moves ahead of hackers who are just sitting around all day eating pizza bagels and thinking of what you might use for a password. “Fütball88.” See how I did that? Somewhere in the world, some soccer-playing Spanish guy born in 1988 is just freaking the fuck out right now. If he was smart, he would have chosen “Bloodsack11.” This is how he gets there: Loves soccer, right? Soccer involves kicking balls. What happens when your balls get kicked really hard? Your testicles fill with blood. And the pain level? It’s an 11 (especially if your scrotum is full of blood!). Easy peasy, password created.

And just to show you that I am not afraid of Twitter hackers, I’ve hidden my password somewhere in the scope of this article. The hint? Lets just say they make doors work. Hehehe. Hmm, no that’s too difficult. My password is “knobjob.”

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