In case you’re not a maniac, you probably didn’t watch last night’s Miss Universe competition. Ironically, two days before this little blue marble goes up in a blaze of hellfire, the saddest people in the world all got together to decide who was the most beautiful woman in the universe.
While the whole event was about as magical as the break room of a warehouse that makes rat traps, one potential Miss Universe really made watching the debacle worthwhile.
When asked which new laws she would create and why, Miss Venezuela, Irene Sofia Esser Quintero, gave quite possibly the most indecipherable response in the history of space-time.
Instead of saying, “I would criminalize plantains” or “dolphins can get drivers licenses,” Quintero went on a nonsensical tirade that would put Miss South Carolina Teen USA contestant and word murderer Caitlin Upton to shame.
It’s a shame that Quintero did not win Miss Universe. Wait, no it isn’t.