Sometimes, the best element of a video on YouTube
are the comments attached to it. Certain wits have the ability to ruthlessly excoriate poorly executed productions with the aplomb of little digital Oscar Wildes. And then there are the rest of you. You take up space with declarations that are so general in scope, and, worse, trite, that I can’t determine if you are being earnest or ironic. Certainly I hope for irony, because if you honestly think you are bringing something new or fresh to the conversation with one of the following 10 comments, you are in for a lifetime of being the person who doesn’t get invited to parties, because your “clever” repartees consist of “That’s what she said,” and “Do I make you horny, baby?”
10. Worst. Video. Ever.
You like “The Simpsons
”?! Holy Shit! Hey, everybody! We just found the one guy who knows how to paraphrase a Simpsons quote! What makes me laugh about people who post this phrase are that “The Simpsons” were completely riffing on you when they created the character of the fat, unlovable comic store guy who says shit like this. Oh, I don’t understand that you were being referential and giving a winking nod when you posted that? Guess what? “The Simpsons” writers knew that you would think you are being sly by ironically copying the comic book store guy, and so by creating him, they provided you a template for you. Basically, no matter how clever you think you are, “The Simpsons” understand what you really are, and they are essentially just teaching you how to act. Is your sarcasm meter going off the chart? See how I paraphrased Comic Book Guy just now? The Simpsons own on me too. How meta is that?
9. You spelled _______ wrong. Just sayin’
This one grates at the heart of me, because I understand both sides of the argument. Firstly, I hate marginally-literate people who think their opinion is as valid as the rest of ours, and second, marginally-literate people’s opinions ARE just as valid as the rest of ours. Like it or not, they have the same right to breathe air and be obnoxious as the rest of us. Besides, it’s the motherfucking internet — don’t knock someone for misspelling “definitely” when you’re both bitching about Young Jeezy videos instead of, you know, doing something worthwhile with your life. And btw, “sayin’” is bad grammar as well, so get off your goddamn high horse.
Not all the cliches, as you will see, are bad. In fact, some of them, like ‘Merica! are cliches because they are so apt. An enormously fat person purchasing fast food by taking their Rascal scooter through a drive thru does deserve public ridicule, and what better way to state said social commentary than by deriding this country of ours by reducing it to a hilarious “red state
” colloquialism? While it might be nice for you to create some original sentiment for the ensuing public to chuckle at, in this case, I completely understand. Its hard to one-up perfection.
7. This has been flagged as spam.
Yes, I know this isn’t actually a comment, but I get so sick of seeing it in every comment thread that it deserves mention on this list. Who are these dickheads whose marketing playbook consists of “Go through YouTube videos and get people to come to our phishing site via posting a thinly disguised ad in the comments”? It irritates me that this works, but it irritates me more that moderators have to remove said ads because they work so well. In fact, because I think I am so clever, I’m going to start posting “This has been flagged as spam” as my actual comment! Worst. Idea. Ever. See what I mean?
6. EPIC FAIL!
This comment suffers chiefly from ambiguity issues. To what are you referring when you say “Epic Fail”? See, some commenters are talking about the actions of the person in the video, i.e. if someone falls off their skateboard or accidentally lights themselves on fire. Others are using “Epic Fail” to describe the shortcomings of the video itself, as in, “That video was poorly made and a waste of time.” I get that “Epic Fail” is a fun phrase to type (note how many times I have done it in this paragraph alone), but when you put a comment out there, remember, it is not only a critique of the video you just watched, but also a critique of your ability to make comments. Think about that. Also, lose the hyperbole. Not every “fail” can be “epic” — you risk stripping the modifier of its virility.
5. Yall Are Just Haterzz!
Okay, look. Earlier I fought for your right to indulge in lazy English, and I will maintain that stance here, but I refuse to accept that we’re all “haters.” I think by definition, at most, only 50% of a group can be haters, because anything more than that and the viewpoint becomes a version of the truth. Taste may be subjective, but (and believe me I do feel like a pompous asshole citing Locke’s 2nd Treatise on Civil Government here) I believe we do have to give up certain “freedoms” in order to maintain a sense of society. And as such, once an opinion takes on the majority, we are no longer haters, but rather posters of fact. Hate the game, not the player.
4. Tits… or GTFO!
I think most of us can agree that this is dismissively vulgar misogynistic hatespeak that reduces women down to objects, rather than equals with thoughts and opinions deserving of equal respect. That being said, I think the cliche is right: show us your tits or get the fuck out. Moving on.
3. I just wasted ___ minutes of my life.
This is my least favorite comment of them all, because it implies that you are some important scientist or dignitary or something who got dragged into the hell that is a lousy video. As if you watched a lame video by some powers beyond your control. No, you didn’t. You clicked on it and took the gamble. If it was awesome, you would have looked like the hero when you shared it with all your friends. If my kid dies, I don’t say during the eulogy “I just wasted 4 years of my life.” No, I accept that I gambled on having a kid who died young or a kid that grew up to be a stripper versus having a kid that somehow made me hundreds of millions of dollars or just plain didn’t suck. I took the risk, and I will endure the consequences. How ‘bout you do the same?
2. I would drag my balls across a mile of broken glass just to hear her fart through a walkie talkie!
This is one of those cripplingly funny phrases the first time you see it. And then you see it a lot. Like a shit-ton a lot. Look, I get that we all want to look like James Bond
with our bon mots and our quips, but can we please just accept that we are not? The phrase is funny — why ruin it with overuse? There is nothing more tragic than watching something funny get ruined because a few bad apples don’t know when to let it die (okay, maybe that kid death thing I mentioned above is more tragic…). Imagine a beautiful word where everyone tries to outdo that phrase instead of abusing it? Sure some people would fail, but maybe, just maybe someone comes up with something better? Isn’t the possibility of that world at least worth exploring?
I don’t hate this comment; it just makes me sad. Look at you, you are the very first person to set the tone for the thread — in essence, you get to take the video’s virginity and instead of being a gentle and competent poster, you have decided to piss all over the thread like a cat marking its territory. What a waste. Be like Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay — be known for being first because the world shouts your achievement, not because you did. Remember this rule of posting if you are guilty of typing the word “first”: If you can’t be insightful, be interesting. If you can’t be interesting, be funny. If you can’t be funny, interesting or insightful, then why the fuck are you talking? Remember that, and you, sir or madam, can rule the internet