“Die Hard” is the best Christmas film of all time, but YouTube wants $2.99 for you to watch it, so they can sit on a rusty metal dick. The specifics of how they achieve that is a different article for a different magazine, but the bottom line is: this holiday season it’s all about the F-R-E-E. Now it’s bullshit that you should have to get stuck watching “It’s A Wonderful Life” over and over on TBS while your Aunt Hilly farts off an entire ham dinner; you should be allowed to be festive in your own way.
So curl up with your laptop or iPad or whatever the hell you’ve got and spend your Yuletide season with the best of what’s left.
5. A Very Mickey Christmas
What would Christmas be without the mouse house riffing on Dickens? I’m a Donald Duck man; have been for a long time, and so when you get him and the rest of the gang in on this highfalutin’, high-spirited and, most importantly, free adventure you can’t hardly miss. Well, to be fair, this one kinda does miss, but after I chose the other four selections, there was some real dogshit left over. My advice: just skip down to number four. This choice is what I call “holiday free movie padding.”
4. Miracle on 34th St.
This is a damn classic of Hollywood holiday movies. The little girl who doesn’t believe in Santa, the department store tie-in, the fact that somebody has the stones to put ol’ Kris Kringle on trial. Real or not, you gotta get a little misty-eyed when those mailmen start bringing in sacks of people’s letters to Santa. Honestly, I don’t know what it proves, or how it proves it, but dammit, you’re happy anyhow.
3. The Nutcracker
Ballet is not just for wimps, pussies, feebs or any of the other derogatory slang associated with those who enjoy the classical arts. The occasional badass likes it too. I am not that badass, but if you talk shit on me for loving ballet, opera and the theatre, I will hire that badass to make you sorry. “The Nutcracker” was a Christmas must for me growing up, and now I can watch it for free online. Not a bad age to live in. Unfortunately, the only free version seems to be this experimental Russian performance (I think it was originally of Russian origins anyway) — at least its not that god-awful Macaulay Culkin one — anybody seen that guy lately? Yeesh.
Some people don’t like “Hook” — these people are fools. A different batch of people don’t think “Hook” qualifies as “a Christmas film,” but the entire thing essentially takes place over the Christmas holiday. Watch as they arrive at Wendy’s house in foggy London town. Note the Christmas music, snow and wreaths on the door. Just because Never Never Land is sunny and beautiful like Southern California doesn’t mean you can hate on it. That’s what you get for living in the midwest/east coast/pacific Northwest/Canada, ya hosers.
1. Ernest Saves Christmas
I’ll suck a cock under a Christmas tree before I pay $2.99 for anything on the internet (except maybe for a Brazzers subscription, umm boy), and so when you account for that, you begin to realize that “Ernest Saves Christmas” has a legitimate case for being the actual best Christmas film of them all (except maybe for “Brazzers Saves Christmas”). Now I might be blending “Ernest Saves Christmas” with “Ernest Goes To Jail” and “Ernest Takes A Dirt Nap” (R.I.P. Jim Varney), but when it comes right down to it, does it really matter?