Stumped on what to get for your latest love interest this holiday season?
Since I don’t know what exactly they might like — contrary to popular belief I’m not psychic — to begin I have created a list of things NOT to get them. It’s safe to say that if you want to reach any of the bases with this person, don’t clutter their lives with these unnecessary iPhone accessories. Or do — it’s really up to you. But if a pulsating umbilical cord phone charger makes its way around your neck this holiday, don’t say I didn’t warn you.
After stumbling across a pair of jeans with a transparent right pocket perfect for playing with your iPhone while it’s still in your pants — yeah, that won’t get you awkward stares — I set out to see what other unnecessary cell phone creations existed in the universe. By the end of my journey, slightly nauseous and gripping my Batman phone case for dear life, I realized iPhone jeans are the least of my problems. From 3D food phone cases to the beloved TV hat, spare your loved ones the horror of having to share the room with these iPhone monsters. Here’s to hoping that while we move into the year 2013 the market for cell phone clothing does not.
This is for all those times you were sitting in a field, holding hands with the guy you had a crush on and enjoying a movie they streamed on the side of the neighboring barn. No, doesn’t sound familiar? Yeah, that’s because moments like this don’t exist. NEXT!
Oh yes, the classic TV hat, beloved by no one ever. While the commercial boasts about this product creates a tent of privacy wherever it’s worn, I truly believe that if you pulled this out on a plane, you would be tazed by TSA as a potential threat to the aircraft.
Phone Case With Squirrel in Santa Hat Drinking a Margarita With Fellow Squirrel
Flaunting all the elements of success — squirrel best friends, a margarita, Santa hats — it’s a wonder why this case isn’t seen carried around more in our day-to-day life.
3D Sushi Phone Case
For a person like myself who has a fear of plastic foods — seriously, it’s been in those same restaurant windows for years and is now dusty and faded — these phone cases make my entire body cringe. While I don’t normally despise things, these food cases have got to go.
Phone Donut Keychain
Continuing down the food path, next on our right we see the Hello Kitty donut keychain, which is bigger than your phone and also serves as a big arrow shouting, “This person is a fatass.” Advertised as “so soft and squishy,” I am not sure if they are talking about the keychain or your future thighs.
If you pulled this out of your pants to answer you phone I would stop being your friend right then and there.
Jacket with 19 Pockets
This is the Mary Poppins bag of jackets. With 19 pockets, you can carry your two cell phones, iPad, gloves, digital camera, notepad, puppy, toothbrush, glasses, coin collection and flask wherever you go.
iPhone Hand Case
Made to resemble Thing from the Addam’s Family, you’ll always have a hand to hold when times get tough. Comes in both adult and child size hands so you better stock up because once people see you with this, it will be the only hand you’ll be holding for a long, long time.
Let’s just say that if you consider buying this, it might be an indication that your blood alcohol level is already pretty high. Here’s a general rule: If you think you’re drunk, there is a high chance you are. Save your money for your next round instead of this.
Umbilical Cord Phone Charger
I don’t want to deprive you of the magic that is the umbilical cord phone charger. It’s original, it’s interactive and it’s also one of the most creepy things this planet has to offer — and this is coming from someone who has held a human liver.
Animal Phone Speakers
A dancing animal iPhone speaker is both cute and a bit creepy. Wake up to your favorite little friend getting their groove on at the end of your bed or just own a normal speaker — the choice is up to you.
Cell Phone Clothing
While you may be a dresser who prides themselves on rocking the latest trends, here’s a little tip from me to you: Don’t dress up your phone in little outfits. Just don’t.