YouTube’s Next ‘How-To Guru’ Contest is Giving Out $4,000 in Prizes

Hey you! Are you tired of being a dickhead?

For those of you who indignantly answered, “Hey, I’m not a dickhead!” Good. You have self esteem, and you might be just who YouTube is looking for in their new contest. For those of you who answered “Yes” to that previous question, also good work. You’ve admitted that you have a problem, which firmly puts you on the road to recovery, and as such, you might be perfect for this YouTube thing as well, so good job. Okay, now, if you answered “No, I’m not tired of being a dickhead,” guess what? Fuck those other two chumps, you’re the real deal! You know you have to step on a few babies’ heads to get where you’re going, and as such, you are ready to be a superstar. Do me a favor and tell those other two losers the position has been filled.

See, YouTube is currently in the god-making business (that’s god with a little “g” because it is only YouTube after all), and right now they’re having a contest to manufacture a new online Jesus. Officially called the “YouTube Next How-To Guru,” this promotion is seeking the most personably personable practical person on Planet Earth for a prominent production position, post haste. Basically, if you have a channel full of innovative how-to videos (that are educational and family-friendly — nice try, Larry Flynt!), then click here to potentially make all your wildest dreams come true — as long as your wildest dreams involve receiving $4 thousand worth of YouTube creator production equipment and a series of workshops with Google+ and YouTube “experts.”

The contest runs through December 28th, 2012, so if you’re like me and have zero “how-to” videos on your channel, you’d better get cracking. For the rest of you, the contest is open to pretty much every English-as-a-first-language territory and India (oh great, a billion extra piranhas just got added to the tank). YouTube will select the top 16 channels for the prize, which might seem like a lot, but the reality is that this contest will be won by capable dreamers who are a lot better, friendlier and smarter than you. Serves you right for being a dickhead.


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