A Scumbag’s Guide to The 5 Hottest Women on YouTube

When you are compiling a list of the hottest girls on YouTube, and you are limiting that list to only five, you run a real risk of making enemies — particularly in my case, because my job is to interview a lot of these beautiful ladies, and in ranking them based on x factors of my choosing, I can come off looking like a jerk or a creep. The good news is, I am a jerk and a creep, and as such, I have no problem ranking according to superficial hotness (usually, I prefer my women a little skankier, but I am sticking with what YouTube gives me).

Now a list of this magnitude will also be controversial because everybody has their own standards of beauty — did you know that most guys will take a girl with an “eh” face as long as she has a rockin’ body? I absolutely won’t do it. Face, for me, beats body every time. And cool personality trumps body for me (but not face!). And so that might factor into why I’ve decided to leave iJustine and Jenna Marbles off this list. Both girls are beautiful in their own magical way, but we all know that. Taking up two spots out of five for those two would make for a very boring list. And I’ll be damned if I stick you with a boring list.

5.  Josy Carver

Typically, I look at a girl’s body of work (*cough) and decide whether she qualifies or not, but on this one, I took the “one video sells it” approach. And when you watch the video, I think you’ll agree that there is something unbelievably sexy about this girl doing the “Melbourne Shuffle” to a Parov Stelar song that I’ve liked for some time anyhow — she just makes me like it more. I don’t care that the sunlight in the window obscures her face here; for me in this rare circumstance, it just makes things all the hotter. For the rest of you, she’s got an impressive channel with over 100 videos uploaded, but I just need this one.

 

 

4. Latoya Forever

This one maybe initially seems like the “token black girl pick” so I don’t appear racist, but guess what? I didn’t even notice she was black until you said something. See, I don’t see people in terms of color; I judge them on the content of their character. How MLK of me, right? Latoya Forever strikes me as a pure YouTube beauty because in addition to being a knockout, she is fiery and funny. Like I imagine that if her and I were dating and had an argument, she’d go right for my balls every time. And me knowing that gives me the opportunity to cover them with a frying pan before her long-ass nails can dig in. Ooh, foxy tigress! Yeah, she’d keep me on edge for sure. Me likee.

 

 

3. Zoella

Holy sexy accent, Batman! English? Australian? There are several beautiful “beauty gurus” pimping materialism and attractiveness on the YouTube, but this porcelain-skin doll gives me the vapors (*Jeff fans himself “Lawd, lawd”). If I’m only picking one of the beauties from the bevy of productinistas online (and I am), let it be Zoella. Also, I chose a beauty guru over a fitness guru because I can talk about how hot a girl is all day; I can only make excuses for why there are Nutella stains on everything I own for so long.

 

 

2. Taryn Southern

I actually did an interview with Taryn, and I think my creepiness was off-putting, and if so, she’s really gonna hate to hear what I have to say here (Jeff licks backside of a long, sharp knife for some reason). But seriously, I am in awe of this girl. She’s talented (not a requisite for being on this list, actually it minorly hurts her), gorgeous and occasionally profane (when it’s not me asking the questions). But here’s the thing: it’s not just her beauty — no, she strikes me as the type of girl who if we have both been rocking a pretty good heroin habit for a few years, and her cheeks get all sunken in and her teeth and hair begin to rot out, I just know that I could stare into those angel eyes (well, one of them would probably be all milky from cataracts), and … you know what? I’m gonna stop there. Lets just say she is gonna make some guy very lucky some day (Jeff sits in the dark corner of a dingy apartment, crying, eating expired chili from the can).

 

 

1. Melanie Iglesias

This is easily one of the most worthless channels on YouTube (be sure to check out my forthcoming list “The 5 Most Worthless Channels on YouTube”), but Melanie is so fuhgeddaboutit sexy, that her channel actually does serve a sort of purpose. We provide her with subscribers, she allows us to look at her and be teased. It is creepy to see it written out like that (particularly because I wrote that sentence naked), but it is the truth. At least she isn’t trying to cover up her sexuality with bullshit “tutorials” ala Hannah Minx. Nope, Melanie serves up straight T&A and techno, and we worship her for it. Bar none, she is the sexiest of the sexy on YouTube.

 

 

I’ve watched dozens (if not hundreds) of videos in an effort to compile this list, so I feel like it’s pretty comprehensive, but if there is someone you think I’ve missed because she is INSANELY GORGEOUS, well then, by all means, leave me a damn comment. But note: I don’t want one-offs like Matisse or this chick. I’m only counting girls who have regular posts (and are fairly current), and do I even have to tell you: make sure they are legal. I don’t need another visit from the “To Catch a Predator” guy where he asks me to “Take a seat ….”

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