With Valentine’s Day right around the corner, it’s hard not to let the single-person-blues get the best of you. All those damn heart balloons and declarations of love can feel like a big f-you from ole’ Cupid himself. So while I can’t miraculously summon a man friend to keep you company this V-Day — I’ll be spending the day with my dear friends the captain and his trusty friend Jose — I can give you the next best thing: my list of YouTube’s 5 Hottest Guys. It’s what you’ve all been waiting for, and all I can say is you’re welcome.
Now before we parade out the winners, here were some general things I would like the gentlemen of YouTube to consider when you put in your applications for next year. Take this golden wisdom to heart:
-Black muscle tank tops and spandex are not for you.
-The economy is picking up again — invest in a razor and shave that sad excuse of a beard. Pubes on the face = not attractive.
-Overly oiled and tanned bodies were big in the 90s, but just like the fanny pack, it’s time for that fad to go.
-Videos with ridiculously small dogs are creepy.
-Face paint makes you look like a clown and arises viewers’ dormant coulrophobia.
And now ladies, I present to you YouTube’s hottest gentlemen. Ogle, drool and take it all in.
5. Orlando Dixon
Orlando Dixon, god bless the DNA of your parents. You’ve not only blessed the YouTube world with his chiseled profile but also with your sweet baby-making music. All I can say is thank you. And the best part about his videos? The camera stays one foot from his face for the entire recording. My only piece of advice for viewers: watch these alone. The room is about to heat up, and it’s just awkward to explain to your coworkers why your shirt is suddenly off.
4. Kassem G
Kassem G, I can’t decide what it is that the females finds so intriguing about you. Is it the glasses? Is it the Converse? Is it your constant harassment of the drunk, the stoned and the crazies at Venice Beach? I can’t quite put my finger on it, but there is something my friend. All I can say is keep bringing that sexy real talk that you do so well.
3. Joseph Vincent
Joseph, you’ve got my heart strings on lock my fine friend. Between the tattoos, well done hair and rugged Buzz Lightyear smile, you are nailing it. Then add the guitar playing and singing — it’s almost too much for me. Since I found out recently you share my alma mater and were in my best friend’s frat, I regret that we never got to play on the same beer pong team. Could have been soulmates — a bummer for us both.
2. Anthony Padilla
Anthony, you’re a favorite of the readers of NMR with your boy band hair and nice shoulders. You’ve stolen not only the fair maidens’ hearts of social media but many gentlemens’ as well. A gold star for you my man. Now of course we watch Smosh videos because they’re hilarious, but your sexy looks may be a factor as well.
1. Fabian Manzano of Boyce Avenue
And finally, at number one, Boyce Avenue’s very own Fabian Manzano (*women swoon and confetti shoots into the air). Sweet god this man makes my heart flutter. I think we can all agree that his Puerto Rican good looks and musical talent have made my world a better place. Now I know we could never be together because of long distance — and the minor fact that you’re married — but all I ask is that you just keep being sexy. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go take a cold shower.