Remember Zillions magazine? It was sort of the precursor to videos like this. Its focus was little kid phenoms who were world-changing-prodigies-in-the-making. Kids who were going to change the world. I’ll bet few of those little fuckers achieved anything outside a meth habit. Today, with child “stars” online being pushed by their parents into banging out amazing drum patterns or singing or boxing, it’s like looking at a “who’s-who” of future clientele outside a methadone clinic.
As a society, we are taught to marvel at and treasure children. But why? Kids suck. Sure they can be “cute” and “adorable” but that’s only like a fifth of their personality settings. The rest of the time they are either “whiny,” “poopy,” “neurotic” or “crying.” Frankly, there just isn’t much they are good for. They are a burden on your wallet, you have to clothe, feed and drive them around. You spent most of your life taking them to school, the park, or the doctor, and they always seem to get obnoxious stains. All so that one day they can be an adult and you can share a beer with them. Nuts to that.
The only thing worse than the kid I was (I was very snot-nosed), is the kid I would likely have. But if I did have a kid, I would definitely do exactly like the dad in this video does — keep her in a prison (just what the fuck is that room they are in? it’s like a monkey’s zoo enclosure), and force her to concentrate her malnourished rage into a violent sport. Maybe one day she’d lash out and beat me to death; maybe one day she’d climb to the top of a clock tower and start sniping off more well-adjusted people. The bottom line is: it doesn’t matter because she won’t exist. Fuck kids*.
*Due to a bunch of sick grown-ups out there that used to be children (and were probably featured in Zillions), I have to stress: do not literally fuck kids — they are rubbish in the sack.