Aww, set your heart to “warming,” because this is one of those stories that will make you believe in humanity all over again. Oh, wait, no it won’t.
So this 17-year-old acne-besotted lukewarm male named Jake Davidson sagely just made a YouTube video asking two-time Sports Illustrated cover model Kate Upton to his prom. Naturally, middle America ate it up and now this kid has a “definitely maybe” from Kate. Schedule-permitting, naturally.
Now the major news outlets have picked up on it, and everyone is going, “Wow, this kid sure is lucky/smart.” But while I won’t dispute his taste in women, I am completely over the technique. Like Taylor Swift parodies, this maneuver has outlived its novelty. We’ve all seen the “________ will you come to my ___________?” ploy a bunch of times before. It is almost cliche at this point. Justin Timberlake, Jessica Biel, even Kim Kardashian got asked and attended a function at one point (though I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that Kim Kardashian’s camp forced that poor soldier to ask her). It has almost become this silly annual ritual that dates back to a young Kobe Bryant asking Brandy to his senior prom. There is no magic at play here — I feel bad for the celebs in that if they say yes, they have to deal with this whole bullshit thing and pretend to enjoy themselves at a dance for children. If they say no, they look like an asshole. At this point, the whole affair is more like Shirley Jackson’s morbid short story “The Lottery” than anything else.
Look kid, Kate Upton’s not going to fuck you. She’s not going to get drunk and show you her cans. This is pretty much the night where small town young women get drunk and crazy with small town young men. It is practically a rite of passage. And you, sir, are wasting that opportunity. “Becky Kopecky” might not be a Sports Illustrated cover girl, but she will go to third base if you buy her a bottle of peppermint schnapps.