I’m not a fan of children. They’re generally annoying, bratty, precocious.
“But they’re precious!” No. Diamonds, sapphires, rubies and emeralds are precious. Gabourey Sidibe in “Precious” was Precious. Your child: not precious. Snotty, yes. Precious, no.
“But he could be a future president or the next Einstein!” Possibly, but not realistically. It’s also possible that your child could become a terrorist. Why should we entertain your fantastical possibilities only in one direction? There are certainly more terrorists than U.S. presidents. If anything, we should send your child to Guantanamo Bay as a preventative measure. And also, it’s likely your child will possess average or below average intelligence … because statistically that would be a safe bet to make. What? You think you can defy statistics? You should go to Las Vegas right now.
“Well, she could be a famous actress?” Sure, but why are you thinking Jennifer Lawrence? She could just as well be Amanda Bynes or Lindsay Lohan. And she most likely would be, considering you’re such a rabid advocate for the special-ness of your child — I can imagine you foisting your child on every casting agent from Hollywood to Hoboken. You’re a regular Dina Lohan, you are.
Look, your children are special to you – I get that. Good for you and for them (not really though – you’ve created yet another entitled, “self-esteem”-fueled narcissist to add to the current crop). But bottom line, nuh uh. Unsold.
But. But! This kid, I like. In a letter that’s gone viral on Reddit (who, in typical Reddit fashion, go on to amateurishly deconstruct the letter’s handwriting), the fourth grader precisely says what many adults have failed to as effectively argue for decades now.
At the end of his brilliant missive, the child writes: “As you can see gay people should have the right to get married and you shouldn’t judge other peoples lives because if you was gay you wouldn’t want people talking about you.”
Game over, you’ve been served. Straight up: if you was gay, you wouldn’t want people talking about you. You have said in so few words what countless people have spent millennia trying to articulate, dear child. This precious child … is so special. He could be the future president! The next Einstein, the next Walt Whitman! Bravo, kid. And kudos to your parents. Read the full letter below:
Check out these other extremely gay articles that I happened to write: