New Video from The Onion Shows Why I’ve Avoided Twitter The Past Seven Years

Seriously guys, I fucking love The Onion. I love The Onion more than I love actual, edible onions. Which is like, a lot.

If you know me (which you don’t … at all. I’m just words on a screen and a voice inside your head right now. Which actually sounds kind of cool if you think about it), you’d know that I don’t tweet. I never saw the point. Anything I had to say could be said on my Facebook wall, and anything I want anyone to see can be thrown up on Instagram, so why add yet another social media site into the mix? Yeah, yeah, I know. Twitter is changing the world and is a fantastic medium to connect with millions of people and market yourself and blah, blah, blah, blah, tweet, tweet, tweet. It’s not my thing. And you want to know why? Because I would end up like this guy. Follower-less and forever alone, projecting my day-to-day activities and jokes that only I think are funny into the eternal ether of the Twitterverse, never to reach the eyes of anyone but some 13-year-old girl from Turkmenistan. Sometimes it’s best to avoid failures before they happen.