The last thing I usually think when I look upon Karl Marx’s sweet, bearded face is, “Damn, I wish we could bang.” Quite the contrary: The image of some girl with a Santa Claus fetish getting down and dirty with the Marxism founder disturbs me to the same degree styrofoam clowns do (Styrofoam is killing the ozone, and the sound of it rubbing together makes me cry like a small child. And nothing is scarier than a clown).
But instead of shying away from the idea of sexy socialists, the Tumblr “Cosmarxpolitan” has placed the faces of our favorite marxist heart throbs on the covers of Cosmo magazine to discuss sex positions he’ll embargo, what revolutions have in common with 9-hour orgasms and interrogation techniques that will open your man up. The magazine’s covers are graced with some of Marxism’s most prominent — and Cosmo approved — leaders such as Fidel Castro, Peter Kropotkin, Joseph Stalin, Chairman Mao and Friedrich Engels, to name several. Model, ladies man and founder of the movement, Karl Marx is quoted on one of the covers: “From each according to his ability, to each according to her needs.” Oh Karl, stop — you’re making us blush.
Hot off the presses: