16-year-old Maddie Yates, a YouTuber from Louisville, Ky. posted a three-minute long suicide video to her YouTube channel on Monday and then took her own life moments later.
The makeup and lifestyle advocate was reportedly despondent over a friend who had herself committed suicide almost a year to the day before Maddie. In fact, Maddie was planning on participating in a memorial fundraiser for suicide prevention in honor of her friend when she abruptly took her own life.
Though her final video was removed from YouTube, Buzzfeed has posted a transcript of it so that Maddie’s final words could be captured and, hopefully, give other people pause before they commit to a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
I know it’s not OK for me to be doing this, but I just can’t do this anymore. It feels like I’m being swallowed whole into myself. It physically hurts. Sometimes it hurts so bad that I throw up, and sometimes I just get panic attacks. I know this is selfish. You know, the doctor prescribed Prozac for depression and anxiety, but those are just fancy words for “selfish.” I know that I’m going to hurt everyone who loves me, and I really do love them too. But I’ve been like this for so long, and there’s still a chance that the worst day might still be coming. And I just don’t see how this is a bad idea because it’s like someone’s on the 12th floor, and the room behind them is on fire. And they’re standing on the window ledge and they have a choice whether or not to jump and get away from the fire or just stay and die a slow, excruciating death. It feels like that.
But I don’t want anyone to feel like it was their fault. This was my decision, not yours. I’m the one who messed up, not you. There’s nothing, literally nothing that you could have done; you’ve all tried so hard to help me. And I tried too. I guess it’s like I don’t mean to be over dramatic, but it’s like there’s a demon inside of me [inaudible].
You can’t help me. You’ve tried. And I’m sorry. I really don’t mean to hurt anyone. Remember that I’m doing you a favor. Remember how bad of a person I really am. I say awful things. Even if I don’t mean them, I say them. You don’t even want to know the things that I think; I am not a good person. I’m doing literally the whole world a favor. But I love you, and I’m sorry. And I really, really love you.
I know I’ve probably said it before, but it can’t be stressed enough: suicide isn’t worth it. One of my best friends killed himself when I was growing up and rarely does a day go by where I don’t think about all the amazing stuff — good and bad — that he misses out on because he made a rash decision so many years ago.
If you get to feeling like Maddie, by all means — call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.
Share this article with anyone you know — it might save a life somewhere unexpected.
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