Your Ultimate Guide to the 6 Types Of #AfterSexSelfies [NSFW]

People are pretty grossed out by this trend, but I wholeheartedly endorse it — I think everyone should post an “after-sex selfie.”

#Aftersexselfies, which have become surprisingly popular on Twitter, Instagram and every other photo-sharing site that utilizes a hashtag, are not only the voyeurs’ near-ultimate dream (it’s like I’m inside the bedroom with these fornicators!), they are also breaking down the taboo of “sex.” And that’s important. Even with all our strides in humor, we are still a very puritanical country when it comes to talking about doing the nasty. Why should schoolchildren go through their days without knowing about the hilarious majesty of a “queef”?

But not all after-sex selfies are created equal. As this odd trend grows legs and begins to sprint, we are seeing groups within the groups. Apparently there are different reasons for taking the after-sex selfie — not all of them pleasant. Here are the six types of after-sex selfie wh’ve found so far:

6. The Hunger

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This is the natural progression of the foodie photos on Instagram. Sharing your breakfast, lunch, and dinner with people isn’t interesting anymore — now to stay relevant you have to show off what you’re craving after you screw. And just as important is what you actually eat: burgers show vigorous sex, pizza is for after lazy sex, and ox blood is for after a devil orgy.

5. Tears of A Clown

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If you were getting laid, you’d be posting pictures of that. But you’re not; you’re single. And so the only way to cope with that is to post the “Hey, I’m still part of the club” style photo that lets everyone know you exist still. The frequent technique is to post with your hand or an odd object (say a chicken), thus eliciting the reaction: “OMG, I can’t believe he had sex with that.” Sure we’re all supposed to laugh, but we can see the silent mourning of your sadness through your eyes.

4. The “Look How Close We Are”

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Posted by the same people who post pictures of sunsets with “deep” sayings, the “Look How Close We Are” is meant to evoke a sort of jealousy in others — it’s like saying you’re living a more emotionally powerful life than other people. Everything seems “messy” but it’s orchestrated mess. You probably had to go through a lot of bullshit to set this “spur of the moment” photo up. That’s cool … I guess.

3. The “What The Hell Did I Just Do”

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This is my favorite of the #aftersexselfie phenomenon — not only did you bang a random stranger but you now regret it to the point where you feel like you have to share it with the world. The sheer look of confused horror on the faces of these guys and girls is worth the six months of angst they will endure while making sure they don’t have AIDS.

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