Kat Dennings: The YouTuber That Could’ve Been

You may not know this, but acclaimed popular actress Kat Dennings (best known for her roles in Raise Your Voice, an episode of “CSI: NY,” and that Lipton Tea commercial with a donkey) has been posting videos on YouTube since 2006.

Seriously. She’s been on YouTube longer than most vloggers have been on YouTube. Kat Dennings may have actually invented YouTube, who can really say? Nobody. Because nobody knows the truth behind Kat Dennings except Kat Dennings and she’s on a TV show, which means she lives in a magical world nobody else can find so we can never ask her. For the purposes of this article, let’s just assume she invented YouTube.

Alas, her final post was four years ago, and after cycling through her completely bizarre yet amazing variety of videos, it’s nearly impossible not to mourn the YouTube career that could have been.

So, one must wonder, if this starlet had continued making vlogs, what would they have looked like today?

Here are a few possibilities…

1. TAG VIDEOS

MOST LIKELY CURRENT DAY EVOLUTION:

Kat Dennings sits in front of the camera on her bed. A bowl hand-painted with pictures of raccoons is balanced on top of her head. 

KAT DENNINGS: Today I have been tagged in the CINNAMON CHALLENGE. In case you guys don’t know what the cinnamon challenge is, that’s where you film yourself consuming an ENTIRE SPOONFUL of cinnamon in less than a minute.

She takes the bowl off her head and licks it. 

KAT DENNINGS: Now, this is stupidly dangerous. Don’t try this at home. Unless I tag you. In which case, you absolutely have to do it. I’m sorry if you die, but rules are rules.

CUT TO: A montage of her stuffed animals lying in open graves in the backyard flashes by, accompanied by L7’s “Pretend We’re Dead.”

BACK TO KAT.

KAT DENNINGS: So as you can see, here I have my cinnamon.

Kat Dennings holds up a box of Rice Krispies, very clearly labeled “Rice Krispies.” She pours it into the raccoon bowl. Over the cereal, she sprays an entire can of whip cream.

KAT DENNINGS: Normally this is where I would set a timer to make sure I do this in under a minute, but I’ll be replaying exactly sixty seconds of the painting scene from “Titanic” in my head as a far more accurate internal clock than my iPhone could ever dream of being.

She straps a kneepad onto her head.

KAT DENNINGS: Safety first. And….go!

She shoves the bowl into her face.

CUT TO: Empty bowl. 

KAT DENNINGS: And that is how you successfully complete the cinnamon challenge. Unlike all you losers who couldn’t handle it. Pftt! Simple as…some episode of “The Simple Life.” Probably. I never watched it. (whispers) I watched all of it.

KAT DENNINGS: So I would like to tag Emma Stone, Grover Cleveland, and that muppet with the orange hair and mouth that looks like an envelope holder you put on the wall by your front door. Get challenged, fools!

She hisses at the screen.

CUT TO BLACK.

RIP KAT DENNINGS (6/13/86 – 4/12/13)
SHE DIED EATING WHAT SHE LOVED

2. PRODUCT REVIEWS.

MOST LIKELY CURRENT DAY EVOLUTION:

Kat Dennings holds up a shoe.

KAT DENNINGS: This is my shoe.

Kat Dennings puts on her shoe. 

Kat Dennings eats a ham sandwich.

CUT TO BLACK.

3. VENTRILOQUIST/RAP VIDEOS

MOST LIKELY CURRENT DAY EVOLUTION:

The sound of Kanye West’s “Stronger” filters in over a black screen.

FADE IN:

Kat Dennings, sitting on her floor. 

A puppet of Littlefoot the brontosaurus from the wonderful children’s cartoon film “The Land Before Time”  is on her hand.

KANYE WEST: That- that- that- that- that don’t kill me—

Kanye is abruptly cut off and the music halts.

KAT DENNINGS (to Littlefoot): But it did! You’re dead! That’s what happens when the earth experiences a rapid climate change! There are casualties!

LITTLEFOOT: Nooooooo! But the treestars—

KAT DENNINGS: Dead!

LITTLEFOOT: And my mom–

KAT DENNINGS: Dead!

LITTLEFOOT: And–

The frame widens to show all the other cartoon dinosaur puppets sitting around them.

KAT DENNINGS: You’re all dead!

LITTLEFOOT: 🙁

KAT DENNINGS: I’m sorry, Littlefoot. It’s the way things gotta be.

She drops the puppet. 

KAT DENNINGS (to camera): I got these from Pizza Hut.

CUT TO BLACK.

4. Kat Dennings doesn’t do numbers the way the rest of the world does numbers. Screw number four. She trash-talked number four and obliterated it in a game of H-O-R-S-E twelve years ago. There is no number four. Not anymore. Not ever.

5. THE AVANT-GARDE

MOST LIKELY CURRENT DAY EVOLUTION:

Kat Dennings stares at you.

You’ve heard the phrase “piercing gaze” before, but you’ve never felt it. Not like this.

Her eyes seem to cut through your soul.

You realize she hasn’t blinked. 

You wonder if she’ll ever blink.

She doesn’t.

She won’t. 

She…can’t.

You wonder when it will end.

Your blood feels like it’s boiling.

A river of hot lava coursing through your veins, like that movie your mom made you watch when you were a kid starring Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks.

No, the other one.

With the volcano.

That one.

It burns.

You remember how thrilled you were when YouTube lifted the time limit on videos.

You don’t feel that delight anymore.

You don’t feel anything.

Only fear.

Pain.

Darkness.

It’s a metaphor — but for what?

Echoing in your head for all eternity:

“…for what…”

<fin.>

So…yeah. That’s almost certainly what would have happened if Kat Dennings had kept vlogging. IF ONLY. We can only hope one day she will make a sweeping return to YouTube and claim the career that awaits her.

What kind of videos do you think Kat Dennings would be making if she continued her YouTube career? Share this…whatever this was…with your friends and let us know.