Look, it’s 2014. This means that everyone you know has the internet now, so don’t think you’re clever by stealing some creative costume you saw online and using it for your own. Halloween is not just about rewarding original thinkers, it’s also about punishing plagiarism. Instagram knows if you’ve been naughty or nice — and the only thing worse than not wearing a costume on Halloween is wearing an “edgy” one that ten thousand other people are also running around in. Sure you can be an independent thinker who puts their own spin on a costume that many people have done (think Sharknado) — but if you think you are going to be any kind of clever wearing one of the following eight costumes, you’re dead wrong.
Look, there’s nothing wrong with dressing up like one of the “Frozen” princesses — or Olaf, for that matter. Just expect it from a lot of other people too. And kids. Yeah, there are going to be a lot of kids going as Elsa this year, so at best you’re going to look like a giant child. At worst, you’ll look like about 100 other girls at the same party. When has that ever been cool?
Unless you actually plan to go nude, there isn’t a whole lot of shock and awe left in this idea. And if you do plan to go nude … sigh … look, I thought of it first.
Game of Thrones Spoiler
Guess what? Nobody cares that you’ve read the novels past where the HBO show has gone — people appreciate a modicum of respect with regard to spoilers. Really this goes for any spoiler this year, but especially GoT, because that’s the most douchey one. And yes, I appreciate the irony of calling out Game of Thrones spoilers by posting a pic of a Game of Thrones spoiler — nobody said I didn’t appreciate irony.
There’s something really tragic about people who dress up in terrorist motif as a sort of amusement. It’s weird and a little demented. These people are the ones who would have dressed up as the Twin Towers back in 2001. You know what? Dressing up as the Twin Towers now, 13 years later, still doesn’t seem funny, clever or original. Think about that.
Orange Is the New Black
Want to be clever? Marry your “Orange is the New Black” costume with another pop culture entity. This video went viral on YouTube this year because it tied together two unoriginal ideas to make a cool super original idea — Frozen is the New Black. There’s a lot of pop culture to choose from, so if your gaggle of chick friends NEEDS to dress up in jailbird attire, for the love of god, put an interesting spin on it. And please don’t do black/brown face. People get uncomfortable around what they perceive as racism.
Zombie Dead Celebrity
Joan Rivers, Philip Seymour Hoffman overdose, Robin Williams … these “audacious” costumes take no creative effort at all. Really, the only shock involved is people seeing you in one of these tasteless costumes and remembering to uninvite you from all future events. The goal here is to get as close to a “freshly dead” celebrity as possible — so expect to see a bunch of dumbasses running around in zombie Oscar Tavares Cardinal jerseys.
If you didn’t expect this to be the number one terrible costume choice, well, there’s probably no helping you in life. Why, oh god, why would you think that anyone would think you were clever, original or funny in this costume that every jackoff in this world will be sporting. I get it: not everyone can be “outside the box.” That’s why the Halloween commission has standardized a few simple get-ups that you can wear and not annoy everyone: clown, witch, sexy cat, Dracula. Outside of these established uncreative costumes, you’re trying too hard for no purpose.
For. The. Love. Of. God. Do. Not. Do. This. So. Unoriginal. So. Unfunny.
Yes, I realize we’ve just pissed all over your Halloween plans. Guess what? There are literally millions of costumes we didn’t mention. Millions. And most of them don’t have ANYONE dressing up as them this year, so you can be a true original and not a knobjob for once. Be like Robert Frost and take the road less travelled … hell, be Robert Frost for Halloween …