Look, it’s been a tough week. People are being wronger on the internet than usual – like, it just keeps coming, and it’s not even Friday yet. Let’s just make this week’s Throwback Thursday about booze and call it a day, hmm?
One thing you should know about me is that I love alcohol. I spend all day on the internet and believe me, when I’m done, I need a stiff drink or two. Now normally I’m left drinking straight from the bottle, downing gulp after gulp until the pain goes away and my memories are at least partially erased. Unfortunately, there are those times when, despite my best efforts, I am forced to drink in the company of other adult humans. When that happens I like to create the subtle illusion that I am stable, emotionally healthy, and perhaps even classy. The best way to do that is to mix a skillful cocktail. Normally you might have to leave the house to learn how to do that but, duh, the internet exists.
One of the best resources I’ve found for quickly constructing a façade of respectability is the Howcast YouTube channel. They produce quick and painless tutorials for all sorts of normal life skills that I don’t possess but am anxious to fake. Their cocktail tutorials are especially helpful since they cover all the foundational drinks that you could need without getting too elaborate. If you find yourself in need of a drink slightly more complex than a neat whiskey with a dash of more whiskey then I highly recommend checking them out.
Having been a bouncer for several years, nothing makes me happier than watching drunk people do stupid stuff where I don’t have to clean up. Puking, falling and, generally, just failing at life is what I think of when I think of alcohol. But you know what? I was a frat boy as well. So I am as guilty as the rest of you — I have ruined a couch by puking on it, have publicly urinated on strangers’ lawns, streaked, put my balls on stuff, danced, driven, and told a bunch of Vimeo creatives that their films sucked while at their screening (giant beers with a 10 percent alcohol content were free and I drank 12 of them).
Alcohol is glorious … but also foolhardy. It makes you dress up like David the Gnome and jump on coffee tables (:50). Fortunately, our friends at FailArmy have been collecting videos on people doing stupid things while drunk and it is now my privilege to pass said footage on to you. Remember: don’t drink and drive, but if you are going to drink, always make sure someone is filming. You’ll thank yourself when you get that YouTube check to cover your hospital bills.
Oh, Buffy. I remember when shots of whiskey made me make that noise. It was a simpler time. Which took place a somewhat worrying number of years ago.
The thing about us nerds is that we can make anything nerdy. Anything can somehow be brought back to some scifi show or comic book or Asimov novel. And for alcohol, it isn’t even hard. I know, off the top of my head, how to make a Captain America (Grenadine, white cream de menthe and blue curacao) and a Sonic Screwdriver (orange soda, vanilla vodka and blue curacao).
One of my personal favorite nerdy alcoholic drinks is the Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster, an actual alcoholic drink from the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy series. I love it because it’s not just a clever fan creation, (well, it is, in that it’s canon ingredients are fictional) but rather it is an actual alcoholic drink that has been brought straight into the real world. Now I just need a bottle of Ogden’s Best Firewhiskey.
When people ask me about alcohol and YouTube my brain inevitably goes “Jagerbombs”. Why, you ask? Well look no further than this bro-social commentary that came out in 2011 known as ‘My New Haircut’.
Of all of the things that stick out in this video, Jagerbombs was the thing the lads in my college chose to embrace. Sixty students at Full Sail University watched this video in class together, and fifty-five of them bought Jager that night.
I wish I was joking.
Ke$ha before she lost the dollar sign. Need I say more?
Really? You all had “alcohol” as the topic, and not a single one of you picked Hannah Hart?
Fired. All of you.