Throwback Thursday is here, and Halloween steadily creeps closer, so what better way to prepare than to compile a list of the videos that make us shiver in fear? Or, in perhaps more appropriate terms, videos that scare the shit out of us.
Okay, so this isn’t exactly the most way-back video I could have chosen, and yes, I recognize that it is a matter of math rather than an actual evil doll, but this video still scares the hell out of me. When I used to clean up crime scenes, one time an old lady died and rotted into the floor of her house. And we ended up having to break into this room that smelled awful and was full of hundreds (if not thousands) of creepy, staring dolls. And their clothes had absorbed her odor so all the dolls stank of decay and death. It was like some nightmare come to life. Ever since then, dolls are a bit off-putting to me.
So when a doll can read my mind through the computer, it might appear to be a fun little math problem to you, but to me, I’m like “No … get out of my head!” Of course, it probably doesn’t help that I’m all fired up on quaaludes.
Okay, here’s my issue: I am really, really, REALLY bad at dealing with the entire horror genre. It ranks right up there with painfully spicy food in my personal “Why In God’s Name Would You Subject Yourself To That” category. So when I heard there was a BlackBoxTV video starring Ashley Clements, the snarky redhead from that one web series (“Lisa Whatsherface”? something to do with silly hats? idk) I responded the way I do to any scary video and didn’t watch the damn thing – you know, like a sensible person.
Unfortunately for me, Ms. Clements’ devoted fans decided to create animated GIFs of all the most horrifying moments and plaster them all over Tumblr, where they mercilessly ambushed me while I was scrolling through my dash looking for pictures of kittens. That’s how I know “The Audition” is about a struggling actress who is pressured by a creepy casting director to handcuff herself to a table and promptly learns that you dON’T LET CREEPY CASTING DIRECTORS HANDCUFF YOU TO TABLES GOOD LORD.
I still haven’t watched it. I got jittery just looking it up. Click play if you want to, you weirdo.
We didn’t do Halloween in my house growing up, so it was never “the scary holiday” to me. That’s Christmas. Christmas is terrifying. The older I get, the more terrifying Christmas becomes. Feigning holiday cheer, spending time with relatives, being forced to watch cheesy movies in misguided attempts to coerce you into having “emotions.” It’s enough to traumatize any rational human being.
So this video, CHOCK FULL OF HOLIDAY SPIRIT (and alas, not the alcoholic kind), is essentially my nightmare in video form. I imagine myself being shoved into Marnie’s shoes, caroling door-to-door, wearing “festive” sweaters — not to mention clearly taking fatal amounts of cocaine to reach that beyond intimidating level of energy and enthusiasm for life — and I shudder endlessly. The added themes of complete self-delusion and the inevitability of ending up alone only further the horror brought about by just…everything that’s happening here.
And yes, okay, this video isn’t only frightening. It’s also pretty damn funny. But videos can be more than one thing. Just like Brittany Snow, as an actress, can be more than one thing. She can be everything. She is everything. I mean, SHE’S REALLY GOOD AT ACTING OKAY. And on that note, probably the most terrifying part of this for me is when it ends and she’s not on my screen anymore. There. That’s it. That’s my true fear. Brb, gonna go watch some college a cappella.
It probably won’t surprise you to learn that I spend a lot of time on YouTube, probably more than any healthy person should. That’s why this video hits home for me. YouTube is a vast space filled with almost unlimited amounts of content. Somewhere down at the very bottom of that vast abyss I can’t help but think that there might be something terrible lurking. Something that we’re not meant to find.
Obviously the user in this video shared that suspicion when he searched for a YouTube channel called 666, the number of the beast. His first attempt is denied, not because there is no such channel, but because it’s mysteriously suspended. In true horror movie fashion he forges ahead, refreshing the screen again and again. After a few attempts the screen starts to shift. The familiar YouTube layout becomes darker, more threatening until finally he breaks through.
The first video floods the screen with disturbing sounds and images, much like the average Sam Pepper video, but it’s too late to turn back. He tries to close the browser only to be denied. He tries to shut down the computer but it’s too late. Even the nuclear option of CTRL-ALT-DEL has no power until finally something reaches out, and the video cuts off. This is pretty much how I expect to die, you guys. Ripped to shreds by something evil from the very bottom of the internet. Still, I’m not planning on that day being today … but you’re welcome to try…
Ah, I know what you’re thinking. Another pithy attempt at sarcasm! Classic NMR! But no, really. The fact that this movie is real and exists terrifies me. Beyond the fact that this film is about to romantification of an abusive relationship, beyond the incorrect, unhealthy and all out rapey depiction of BDSM. What scares me the most about this is that this upcoming movie is so popular. This depiction of romance, with boyfriends who follow you around and deny your personal choices, is becoming ingrained in our society. Girls are growing up expecting men to own them. They are learning that a man overriding your opinion is okay because you’re just a silly little girl and he knows best. Someone controlling your every move is the new romance. Someone ignoring your “no”s and your “stop”s is the new sexy. And the scares the crap out of me.
This video is terrifying for two simple reasons: 1) It makes Carl from The Walking Dead actually look cool and 2) I CAN’T GET THE SONG OUT OF MY HEAD!
What videos make you tremble in terror? Cower in cowardice? Pee your pants in panic? Let us know in the comments and don’t forget to SHARE THE SCARE!