For this week’s Throwback Thursday, we thought we’d mix it up a bit and feature videos we’d like to literally throw back — as in, fling away from our eyes and into the Chasm of Disturbing and Weird from whence it came. Enjoy!
This. This is the one video from all my years of YouTubing that I wish I could unsee — it’s not the old man who sings an ode to the clitoris, it’s not the creepy child predator or the guy who dresses up like the Queen of Hearts and dances with puppets. It’s nipple guy. His terrifying catchphrase “Are you thirsty?” will haunt me until I am dead. More likely, it will be the reason I am dead — it’s like a more disturbing version of that “The Ring” video.
If for some reason you can’t see this video, DO NOT go looking for it (YouTube age-restricted it for no other reason than the fact that it is disturbing).
I saw grim stuff when I was cleaning up crime scenes for a living … hell, I’ve even seen “Two Girls, One Cup” in IMAX (okay, not really). Nothing, though, could prepare me for the sheer stickiness of this video in my lobes. I simply can’t unsee this footage nor unhear that ickily seductive German accent.
Please do not watch this video. That being said, I’m not your dad (probably) … welcome to my Hell.
This #TBT was challenging for me. Obviously I’ve seen a ton of terrible things on YouTube, but like Nietzche says, “if you stare into the abyss the abyss also…something something blah blah you.” Perhaps that quote is less helpful than I’d imagined, but that point is that after prolonged exposure you start to treasure even the most gross and bizarre of YouTube artifacts. Basically, I’m suffering from a form of YouTube Stockholm Syndrome that makes me love things that are objectively annoying and terrible. I’m looking at you Nyan Cat and Numa Numa kid.
Still, we all have limits. If I had the option to throw one video back into the YouTube sea it would undoubtedly by the classic Rick Roll. I know what you’re saying! How could I possibly EVER throw back Rick Astley’s seminal classic “Never Gonna Give You Up?” “Are you a monster?!” you are probably thinking in alarm. No, friends, I am not a monster. I’m just a deeply trusting and gullible man. I have been Rick Roll’d probably more than any living human being and I need it to stop. It’s Rick’s fault, I admit. But the sight of his goofy ginger mug brings back the memory of a thousand failures.
For those unfamiliar with the Rick Roll, let me explain. In the world of the old school internet, malicious villains would trick innocent trusting dupes by saying “Hey! Check out this cool link to a totally neat-o thing!” Then, like a sucker, you would click on said link only to be greeted with THIS DAMN VIDEO! So when I say I want to throw back the Rick Roll, it’s not personal, I’m just trying to promote a little online kindness. Of course now that I’ve written this, I expect to be Rick Roll’d by a member of the NMR staff at least once a day until the end of time.
You know how sometimes you can’t tell if something is posted seriously or posted as a joke? That’s the inner turmoil I feel every time I see this odd little video from “rhythmatic lyricist/dreamer” Jason Boots. And his other one. Really, I just don’t know what to make of any of what he’s doing. But possibly the worst part is that the song is actually one of those vaguely catchy things that may end up stuck in your head until you find something else to replace it with. Might I suggest heading back to Evan’s #TBT for a respite?
Now, this weeks theme was a challenge for me. Because there are plenty of videos that I have stumbled across and would easily pay money to unsee. But the thing is, me writing about any of those would require me to actually go see them again. And that is just not going to happen.
So instead, feast your eyes on Nanalew’s lipsynching rendition of “Sail” by Awolnation (Can you believe that was over three years ago? Yeah, me neither!) What starts off as your typical, hispter, girl-in-the-rain music video quickly turns… odd. Aside from the relentless bass-line of the orignal song, this video is just well done. And… odd. It’s– well, you’ll see. Either way, it’s not something that I’ll be forgetting in a hurry. It walks the edge between weird-funny and weird-creepy and ends up in the land of “what the hell did I just watch.” No matter what you think about it, this video isn’t one you’ll forget in a hurry.
So, story time – before I arrived in Los Angeles, I lived in New Zealand for a number of years. And in New Zealand there is a brand of beverage called Fresh-Up, a range of canned fizzy apple juice and other refreshing fruit flavors. And apparently at the Fresh-Up headquarters, some genius decided that canned fruit juice would never be “sexy” enough for standard marketing and they needed to go to the opposite extreme by producing a series of the most DISTURBING. COMMERCIALS. EVER. Behold, the “Thirst is Creepy” campaign, in which serial-killer-looking dudes dehydrate themselves until their lips stick to their freakishly-dry gums, and then they apparently go to work and paw at horrified customers in dimly-lit rooms, staring and licking their teeth and bleaghkajfkldsajfl.
What the f**k, New Zealand. I’m never drinking fizzy juice again.
My friends and I are stubborn folk. Just a perpetual motion machine of petty revenge and pointless tests of willpower. So naturally, after watching a particular episode of Archer, a few days later this video came up, wherein the random pirate/parrot combo done on an Apple IIe screen was looped to make nearly an hour out of a fifteen second clip.
It was done to destroy lives.
Of course, when my friend pressed play on the video on his laptop and walked out of the house, leaving me to listen to it, did I shut it off? No. Could I have? Very easily. But what he did was a shot off the bow. It was the equivalent of receiving a messenger pusuing peace, and sending them back to you with their head missing from their body.
For thirty minutes, I endured this infernal video, playing Borderlands 2 as if nothing were amiss. And then I pretended I enjoyed it as Stockholm Syndrome began to set in. When my friend returned, he saw the look in my eyes, and it was the empty void of a Godspeed You Black Emperor! album. I looked into the abyss, and it looked back.
And nothing beside remains.
Did you watch those? Any regrets? ALL of the regrets? Now make your friends suffer through the same pain by sharing this list!