There are only a handful of things that the internet really loves. Videos of people hurting themselves, the music of an obscure pop singer called “Beyoncé,” pictures of babies doing baby things, and cats. The internet is absolutely in love with cats, which is ironic because cats do not love us. Cats just use us for food and shelter and then eat our bodies when we die alone. Cats are jerks.
Dogs, on the other hand, are delightful. In recent years one of the web’s favorite fads is dogs welcoming home soldiers. We are endlessly charmed by dogs rushing into their owner’s waiting arms, overjoyed to be reunited after so long apart. That’s because dogs actually give a shit. Cats, on the other hand, could not possibly care less. That’s the simple truth captured by comedian Kate Sidley in her perfectly executed parody “Cats Welcoming Home Soldiers.”
Watch this video a few times if necessary, then look your cat square in the eye and say “I know what you’re up to,” and slink out of the room.