Ahh, crushes. We’ve all got that one special person (or people, if you’re into that kind of thing) who will always hold a special place in our hearts, even though we don’t really know them and they might actually be fictional and it’s kinda creepy if you really think about it. And since we here at NMR are all about embarrassing ourselves on the internet, here’s a list of our old crushes and the weird thoughts we have about them! Enjoy.
Our assignment for this Throwback Thursday? People we used to have a crush on. For me, that is the Live Prude Girls. Both of ‘em. Milana Vayntrub & Stevie Nelson were like my biggest crushes ever! And I used to write hot fan fiction about the three of us. Please, let me share an excerpt of one for you: Milana and Stevie are there … it’s a totally hot day, like sweltering. They’re watching TV, something stupid, I don’t know what. Suddenly the cable goes out. “Hey,” says Milana, “We should call a repairman.”
“Yes,” agrees Stevie, and they call up the repairman, their necks slick with hot summer sweat. A knock on the door. It’s me. “My dispatcher says you have a problem with the cable?” I ask, wielding my tool belt like a pro. Stevie mops at some of the sweat on Milana’s brow with a washcloth, slowly, tenderly. I, of course, take no notice as I am busy repairing the cable. I fix it quickly for them — it was just a loose connection on their splitter — and don’t even charge them. They ask me slowly and seductively if there’s some way they can ever repay my kindness. I tell them to please file a positive comment about my work on the optional survey. Then I leave, feeling good about having helped someone.
Friggin’ hot, right? Man, those two should have called an air conditioner repairman too. So that was my crush … until Milana started doing those AT&T commercials and became too hip for me.
About three years ago, I discovered Charlie McDonnell. He was adorable, seemingly saccharine, and just the right amount of awkward.
Then I realized he was a full four years younger than I was and felt like a total creeper. Don’t get me wrong, he’s still awesome. I just think it’s weird for me to have a thing for guys who are younger than my little brother.
Anyone here at NMR can tell you that I don’t really have the capacity to love. I am a blackhearted snark monster who lives on the internet. The closest I come to a crush is when I crush someone’s hopes and dreams. It’s nothing personal, that’s just how I roll. So today when we were asked to discuss our first internet crush, I’m not afraid to admit that I was left a little bit perplexed. Then it struck me. There has been only one being in all the vast history of the internet to stir in me an emotion close to love. The black hearted destroyer, Trogdor The Burninator.
Trogdor was most prominently featured in an episode of Strong Bad Emails which was itself a feature of Homestar Runner, the greatest thing to happen ever on the internet. In each edition the masked villain Strong Bad responds to a fan email by drawing or telling a story. Things tend to go wildly awry. One such fan requested a drawing of a dragon, and so Trogdor was born. Trodgor is a rapacious force of destruction with a blackened, empty heart that rivals my own. Ours is a match demanded by fate, a love that burns brighter than a burning thatched roof cottage.
“Old crushes” implies that they’ve somehow ended, and really, short of it turning out that the object of my affection is secretly racist, it’s near-impossible to really break me of whatever spell that person put on me, or whatever mental projection I’ve done to make them the perfect person.
So when I say that I had a crush on Lauren Francesca, I don’t mean to imply that such things went away. It’s still there, mind you. I once lent her a phone charger at VidCon, so obviously we’re engaged now.
Awkward story time!
Two years ago this week is when The Lizzie Bennet Diaries revealed Daniel Vincent Gordh as their version of Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice. I wasn’t watching the show then – I barely knew what a web series was, bless my heart – but Jane Austen was my favorite author and I had emphatic opinions about Colin Firth in the BBC miniseries. So when girls started keysmashing all over Twitter about #DarcyDay I decided to check it out, like “oh we’ll just SEE about this, good LUCK dude,” an attitude that lasted me aboouuuut two minutes. (I mean DVG did a good job. Darcy’s a compelling character. I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.)
Long story short, I got way too emotionally invested and spent so much time fangirling and critiquing on social media that the show’s creators noticed me and – here’s where it gets really weird – offered me a job. (And if you’ve never tried to maintain a professional demeanor around people whose characters you’ve written fan fiction about, it is an experience, let me tell you.) And that’s how I met LBD producer/mastermind Jenni Powell, which is how I met NMR editor-in-chief Logan Rapp, which is why I’m sitting here writing this article.
So basically I have the weirdest resume ever and it’s all DVG’s fault. But he’s great and really nice to his fans, and you should go to Cracked.com to check out more of his stuff.
Remember when I said that talking about my old fandom experiences is keenly embarrassing for me? Yeah, this was super fun.
As with any article that I am called upon to write here, the first question I had to ask myself was ‘Okay, how nerdy can I get?’ Then I read Jeff, Evan and Chris’ entries and went ‘nah, I’m good.’
This super cutie is George Blagden. If you watch the history channel, you’ll recognise him from Vikings. But that is not where my love for this loser begins. Oh no. He was also one of the revolutionaries who dies in the Les Miserables film. Don’t worry if you can’t place him, he didn’t have a speaking role. Which is a shame, because do you hear that voice? If it was the stage version, he would have had a solo. Whatever. I’m not bitter.
Why do I love him? Well part of it is that he is rocking the dark-hair blue-eyes thing that seriously kills me. But most of it is this song. This is a shipping song about Blagden’s character from Les Mis, and he changed the words to more accurately reflect the relationship. What a perfect nerd.
Who are you crushing on and/or internet stalking these days? Let us know in the comments!