NMR has the ability to speak to the dead. We can also do a couple sick yo-yo tricks, so I guess we’re pretty badass all the way around. But because of that whole speak-to-the-dead thing, we’re able to divine what is going to happen in 2015 — I guess the dead have access to a time machine or something …
Conveniently numbered for the year we are about to enter, here are NMR’s 15 best predictions for the year in YouTube ahead. If they don’t come true, blame your long deceased Aunt Sally. Also, she says to stop playing with yourself so much — it’s embarrassing her in front of her knitting club. Why they meet in your bedroom at night is a bigger question than NMR can answer.
15. A major YouTuber will get a starring role in a major movie
Yikes, right? I know — we’re excited too! Finally 2015 will be the year in which YouTubers take center stage in Hollywood. The digital platform has long been viewed as a springboard, particularly in music, but now they will conquer Hollywood properly. And no, we didn’t count Andy Samberg in “Hot Rod” as a YouTuber starring in a major film.
14. Taryn Southern and Jeff Klima get married
Didn’t see this coming, did you? Well neither did she. Congrats to the happy couple! Or should we say Mazel Tov (neither are Jewish but they both ultimately convert after a dare on their doubtlessly forthcoming reality show goes awry).
13. DevinSuperTramp Does His Craziest Stunt Ever
This might not seem like a big reveal — he seems to one-up himself with every new action video. But that’s not what we’re saying — we’re saying that his BIGGEST stunt will come in 2015. We don’t know what it is, but there will be no stunt that tops whatever this one will be. Devin, if you’re reading this, the pressure is now on, buddy.
12. A major YouTuber gets arrested
Of course the spirits are hazy on this one: we don’t have the who or they why. But a major YouTuber is going to get popped by the law this upcoming year and it will be a total scandal. Ooh, exciting.
11. Gamer TotalBiscuit’s cancer will be in complete remission
Wow, sometimes the spirits give very few details, sometimes they really hit the nail on the head. Good news this year for TotalBiscuit, who has already had the surgery to remove the cancerous growth. But he will be doing chemotherapy in 2015 and we are confident that it will be a complete success.
10. A major YouTuber will have a baby in 2015
While the spirits have not been clear on exactly who this is, they have assured us it isn’t the annual ShayCarl kid that we’ve all come to expect like some groundhog and its shadow. No, this one will be a surprise — a YouTuber who we don’t expect to be expecting a kid. And this baby, a girl, will be BELOVED by the YouTube community as is their parent. Okay, fine. You want details? It’s Olga Kay. Olga will have a baby in 2015. There. Happy? Also, surprise, Olga!
9. Yahoo does NOT emerge as a YouTube competitor in 2015
Yup, even though Yahoo has been claiming they are going to launch their streaming video platform that competes with YouTube, et al. 2015 is not going to be that year. Instead, they are going to claim a big summertime launch, push it back to the fall, and then decide that it will work better at the beginning of the following year. SPOILER ALERT: 2016 is not going to be their year either.
8. We finally learn HowToBasic’s identity
2015 is going to be an amazing year for many reasons, but one of the biggest is that we’ll finally learn the truth about the enigma that is HowToBasic and who he really is. My guess (not from the spirits): Denzel Washington. I know, I know, on the surface there seems to be a lot wrong with my prediction. But I don’t know, I’ve just got a gut feeling and my gut is only occasionally wrong.
7. Taryn Southern & Jeff Klima get divorced
Yeah, unfortunately, this quickie marriage devolves into a bitter, jealous and ultimately doomed union. They, for a brief moment, were America’s Sweethearts. It was a moment that would last too long. Sigh. Also their reality show gets cancelled when Jeff goes to court-ordered rehab for his tragic addiction to making cocaine-abuse jokes.
6. A major YouTuber reveals SHE is gay.
We are not in the business of outing people. Frankly, it’s none of our business (even though it sort of is), and so we will not reveal who this YouTuber is. SHE can come out whenever she is comfortable — as long as she does it in 2015.
5. PewDiePie Hits 50 million subscribers
Did anyone think they’d see a YouTuber reach 20 million subscribers? Well, we did, but we have the spirits, remember? Now they’re claiming PewDiePie is going to experience a massive jump in popularity
4. A major MCN goes out of business
There are too many MCNs all clamoring for the same damn thing: the top of the YouTube class. Ultimately they can’t all sustain themselves and a biggie will bite the dust. The remaining MCNs will quickly devour the dead one.
3. Someone will steal PewDiePie’s place as Most-Subscribed YouTuber
Wow, right? These spirits are getting a little too cavalier in their predictions for our comfort, but it seems they are claiming that a certain HAUL YouTuber will increase their popularity exponentially in 2015 — like huge. And if you did your math correctly, that means there will be two YouTubers with over 50 million subscribers in 2015. Dang.
2. Grace Helbig’s talk show will be a big success
Grace is a sweetheart and it’s no surprise for us that her sweetie-pie personality translates to the TV airwaves. Grace will be the new Ellen — mark our words on that.
1. YouTubers become Unionized
Okay, that was a little bit of a hyperbole — they won’t fully become a cohesive union, but they recognize the need for YouTube to start ponying up for retirement and health benefits. 2015 is the year that process towards social betterment for established YouTubers begins. Still, that’s pretty huge stuff.