I’m in the holiday spirit this week, by which I mean that I am tired, poor, and emotionally broken from last minute Christmas shopping. If you’re anything like me you need something to recharge your holiday batteries before the big day. Fortunately for you, I’ve got you covered. I’ve scoured our beloved YouTube for five of the most hilariously bad Christmas movies imaginable. Each of these films is composed of pure holiday darkness mixed with bad ideas, and as an added bonus they’re all free to watch on YouTube (because no one cares enough to enforce the copyrights). Enjoy!
Santa Baby – This movie is a double whammy since it shares a title with my least favorite Christmas song and also stars one of my least favorite people. Jenny McCarthy plays against type as the daughter of Santa rather than the spawn of Satan. When Santa Claus gets sick right before Christmas (presumably because Jenny wouldn’t let him get vaccinated against childhood diseases) it’s up to his daughter to save the day using her skills as a…marketing professional? It’s a heartwarming tale of love, family, and the triumph of corporate management techniques! If this weird mash-up of a daytime soap and a financial planning webinar doesn’t get you in the Christmas spirit I don’t know what will.
Santa With Muscles – This movie is what you would get if you took two pretty bad ideas for a Christmas movie, mixed them together in a blender, and then poured that unfortunate holiday smoothie all over Hulk Hogan, who stars because it was the 90’s. The Hulkster plays a greedy businessman who dons a Santa suit in order to hide from the police who are pursuing him because of evil businessman reasons. After a head injury leaves him with amnesia he comes to believe that he is the REAL Santa Claus. As the real Santa Claus he is morally obligated to stop an unrelated evil scientist (Ed Begley Jr. OF COURSE) from tearing down a local orphanage to acquire the “magical crystals” hidden beneath it. Does Hulk regain his memories and learn a valuable lesson? Does he adopt the kids or do they stay at the orphanage that they seem to like? No one can answer these questions because no one has ever made it to the end of this movie. You could be the first! A young Mila Kunis is also in this. It’s nice that things got better for her.
Santa’s Slay – Obviously Santa With Muscles was such an instant classic that the “Christmas-themed action movie starring a pro-wrestler turned actor” formula became a go-to recipe for holiday movie success. That’s the only possible explanation for Santa’s Slay which stars Badass Bill Goldberg as Santa Claus, an ancient murderous demon forced to deliver toys to children for 1000 years due to a lost bet. For dramatic purposes, the bet is off and Santa Claus is now free to wantonly murder everyone again, which I guess is nice for him. Spoiler Alert: The climax of the movie involves Santa being shot down by an old man with a bazooka. The plot largely feels like someone came up with that moment and then sort of worked backwards. All you really need to know is there are lots of explosions and Santa murders Chris Cattan. What more could you want?
Santa Claus Vs The Devil – By the standards of this list this movie is a bona fide classic. Santa Clause Vs The Devil. This time Santa’s back to being the good guy and he’s squaring off against a demon sent to earth by Lucifer to kill him in the name of evil. It’s a low budget Mexican production so half the fun of this movie is the painfully dubbed dialogue and the other half is the title. The film is campy and ridiculous and given that it was originally released in 1959 actually a little bit ahead of its time.
Saving Christmas – Honestly, after watching those last four movies I can’t totally blame Kirk Cameron for his bizzaro obsession with the so-called “War On Christmas.” In this 2014 release the former Mike Seaver takes on the evil atheist conspiracy to secularize Christmas that exists only in his own imagination. This feels less like a movie and more like a random series of ideas that have occurred to Kirk Cameron while he was watching The O’Reilly Factor. Personally I feel like it could have used at least one former pro-wrestler but what do I know.