Since we’re weekend warriors now, it only makes sense that we break from the pack and engage in some rampant free-thinking. Pretty soon YouTube and Hollywood should completely merge and we will be seeing our favorite YouTubers starring in our favorite TV shows and movies. Of course, until that point, we can only speculate on what might have been had this merger happened 10, 20 or 500 years ago. So every weekend, we take a pop culture movie and recast it with YouTubers who we think might have worked perfectly in that role.
This week: The Goonies
One of the best cast movies of all time, The Goonies brings together a bunch of misfit kids and sends them on a pirate mystery adventure. If you were a kid in the 80s, this was pretty much the best thing you ever saw. With each of the kids possessing a different attribute, these kids were a motley crew of wiseasses, intellectuals and the token fat kid (this was the 80s, before you had to have a black kid or obvious homosexual running with your crew). Setting the gang against the Fratelli’s, an evil family of counterfeiting murderers, the kids are looking for One-Eyed Willie’s pirate ship, which is loaded with treasure. Naturally, they don’t want to use the money for cocaine and Ferraris, but rather saving their parent’s homes. If you haven’t seen it, now you likely won’t be able to without picturing these YouTubers in the key roles.
Played in the movie by: Sean Astin
Played in our version by: Joe Jo
The leader of the pack. Mikey isn’t the oldest or the wisest, but he has the passion and the raw ambition to succeed. If there is a pirate ship laiden with treasure out there, Mikey will find it. And on YouTube, that natural leader spearheading everyone on to adventure is Joe Jo of Just Kidding Films. Joe is the de facto leader because he has the passion for the job. He can inspire a crew to take on crazy schemes “just because.” Yeah, such a Mikey.
Played in the movie by: Josh Brolin
Played in our version by: Max NoSleeves
The older brother. He doesn’t quite mesh with the rest of the group, he’s older and cooler. But as long as there is a foxy girl, Andy, on the adventure, he’s down. So too is the case with Max NoSleeves. Buff, cool and handsome, Max is the ultimate big bro. Emphasis on the bro.
Played in the movie by: Jeff Cohen
Played in our version by: The Annoying Orange
The chubby kid, Chunk is always discounted and rendered useless by his contemporaries. But this mound of flesh is more than a reservoir for Cheetos — Chunk is a hero-in-waiting. When all seems lost for the Goonies crew, Chunk steps in to save the day. So who’s the hale YouTuber who has the makings of a hero? Look no further than The Annoying Orange. He’s round, obnoxious and whiney — much like Chunk. But like Chunk, he has yet to let down his friends.
Played in the movie by: Corey Feldman
Played in our version by: Ray William Johnson
So cocky, so much sarcasm, so Mouth. Ray William Johnson and his natural tendency to comment on EVERYTHING has more than earned this YouTuber (once a YTer, always a YTer) the role of the mouthy member of the Goonies group. When we call someone on YouTube “the mouthy one,” that’s saying something.
Played in the movie by: Kerri Green
Played in our version by: Grace Helbig
Kerri Green was one of the quintessential girl-next-door types — a girl-next-door-type that you wanted to reposition your rearview mirror so you could better ogle her gams. Naturally, Grace Helbig would be that YouTuber — down for adventure, Grace would be “just one of the guys.” But she’d be that guy that you really, really wanted to be alone with on One-Eyed Willie’s pirate ship with, for like a year.
Played in the movie by: Ke Huy Quan
Played in our version by: Colin Furze
Yeah, we just gave away the one minority role in the movie to a white guy. But you’d have to admit, if you were on a pirate adventure, being chased by dangerous bad guys through underground caverns loaded with boobie traps, you’d want Colin Furze and his fantastic inventions along for the ride.
Played in the movie by: John Matuszak
Played in our version by: Mike “Scotty Johnson” Diamond
Sloth is a big deformed monster with a heart of gold. Chained up by his family, the Fratelli’s, eventually Sloth befriends Chunk and the two of them save the day. Now when we think of a big deformed monster on YouTube, naturally we think of … you know what? We’re not going to go there. But John Matuszak, a former NFL player, was just a normal strongman in a costume. So who is a superbuff YouTuber who could disappear into this role? Without question, the character-playing and superbuff Mike Diamond via his alter ego Scotty Johnson.