Look, everyone else reporting about this alleged leaked news of YouTube announcing a new kids-based app on Monday is focused on the children. They’re all imagining how it can help the kids or how its algorithms are tailored to promote a “kid-friendly” experience with minimal scrolling. Educational material will be king. There’ll be a timer so parents can control how much YouTube is watched, yadda yadda yadda. Well, guess what: NMR is only focused on you.
Your channel for regular people isn’t cutting it. Sure you’ve got a couple thousand subscribers but every video eeks along and in the back of your mind somewhere, you’re thinking “Maybe I should call it quits.” We’re here to tell you not to! Just change up your act a bit and become the biggest thing in wholesome kids entertainment.
Kids like costumes, kinetics, exaggerated emotions and songs. Believe me, I am HILARIOUS to children. Unfortunately, their parents find me “too profane,” so I can not use this information for myself. But I can teach you!
Step 1: Costume
This will be key. Kids love looking at costumes — especially funny-looking FRIENDLY animals. They get very nervous about hugging said costumes, but you’re working through a mobile app (oh, I should mention that right now, the app will only be on Android — sucks to be you iPhone user kids!). You know you bought that Furry costume for that one party … time to dust it off. Also maybe clean it — there’s a place in hell for people who start kids shows with unclean Furry costumes.
Step 2: Forget Your Fedora, Remember Your Juggling
Look, I’m not going to judge you, fedoras used to be cool. You and your buddies ruined them by trying to return to a “more chivalrous era” instead of just not being a weirdo. But the important thing that came with your fedora, no doubt, was your juggling hobby … because you had a lot of down time at home to learn to juggle, you see (especially on weekend nights). So skip the fedora, but brush up on your juggling. Kids LOVE things moving a lot — it keeps their attention.
Step 3: Learn Your Prat Falls
Chevy Chase would still have a talk show if he had focused on entertaining kids. Kids intrinsically like to see people get hurt — they don’t like to see hurt faces and crying (it makes them cry) but a good stumble is comedy gold.
Step 4: Talk With Your Hands
With your Furry costume, you lose the ability to emote with your face — this will freak kids out since they are very facially oriented — little kids are very good at reading facial cues. So you’ve got to compensate by moving your hands a lot: sweeping slow motions for happy, tight controlled fast ones for angry. Source: my first job was as a Mall Easter Bunny. True story.
Step 5 : Be Educational
Most parents won’t care, but sometimes you’ve got to throw in basic educational shit to keep the parents happy. Randomly yell the word “sock” and point at your foot. Or ask the kids if they can “moo like a cow.” And then “moo” yourself. As long as the parents HEAR what sounds like occasional learning, you’ll do fine.
Step 6: Name Your Show Correctly
There’s no secret why Frozen succeeded while The Hunchback of Notre Dame didn’t: kids can’t remember/say long shit. So before you go naming your show “Professor Smilebox’s Grand Review of Irreverent Chuckles!” just know that you’re setting yourself up for failure. You show needs to be called something short — yet sound educational enough that it matters to parents. Think: “Counterpillar” or “Harvard Fox.” Hook the parents and you’ll get the kids.
Step 7: Just Have An Unboxing Channel
For whatever reason, kids LOVE Disney Collector BR and whatnot. They want to hear a soothing voice and see presents coming out of packages. So when all else fails, do that.
That’s all I can teach you for this first installment. In the meantime, gear up for when YouTube announces this on Monday. You’re pretty much going to have to run to start your channel amidst the glut of weirdos and freaks who have the same idea you do (but with less honorable intentions). Fortunately, you read NMR and are now gifted with the knowledge to succeed.
Go usher our children into a new era of joy!